Giving Good Bottom

A bottom is the person in the scene that is receiving the kink or being led around by the Top (the giver of kink). With that out of the way, what are some things you can do (or have done) if you are going to be a better bottom in a scene?

Being an active bottom will not only help the Top out, but it will also help you have the best scene possible. Unfortunately some people think the bottom just shows up, receives kink, and their job is done.

Be active in the negotiations for the scene, ask questions, and be willing to share personal info if it can directly affect you or your part in the scene. Also discuss your experiences (good and bad) with that kink and what position(s) work best for you. Let them know if you have experience with subspace, how you acted in subspace, and should they continue the scene or end it. (Only continue the scene with someone you completely trust with your life, as you might not be able to communicate at this point)

Have your own toys. Some toys can not be sanitized, and should not be shared unless you are fluid bonded with that person. If you have a fave toy you want used in the scene, bring it, but make sure the Top knows how to use it properly/safely.

PRICK (Personal Responsibility, Informed, Consensual Kink) evolved from SSC and RACK. Prick is asking everyone in the scene to take personal responsibility for their kink. Meaning you understand the kink, what is going to happen when doing that kink, all safety aspects and the risks involved with that kink.

Ask the Top what they need from you in the scene, compatibility is just as important in a Top/bottom dynamic as it is in a Dom/sub dynamic.

Ask the Top what aftercare they need. Check in with your Top to make sure they are ok. Tops are not kink dispensers, they have feelings, might need aftercare, and need reassurance that they are not monsters for what they do to us. They also can drop (Top/Dom drop) which is just as serious as sub drop (and hardly ever talked about).

The scene is for the Top, just as much as it is for the bottom. Working together as a team with a common end goal is the best way to have a successful and pleasurable scene. Communication should keep going even after the scene ends (on a level you are comfortable with), after the aftercare is where you discuss the good and the bad in the scene. As a bottom, speak up if there was something you really enjoyed, or something you did not. You can use this info to help shape and better future scenes with that person, while helping you grow and push your personal limits in that kink.

This blog might not be for you….

If you dont follow the same Traditional BDSM path that i do, that is fine. You do you. The internet is HUGE, literally endless, so there are plenty of other “bdsm” sites, groups, blogs etc for all the kinksters to be part of. I am not looking to argue, or to be shown the twue way by someone that believes that alpha subs and power subs are a thing, submission being a gift, self collaring…. Or any other new generation beliefs. I really dont care about your opinions or thoughts about me. I dont wake up in the morning seeking your approval, or care about your way, or this “everyone can be anything as long as they claim it” mentality. I believe in Traditional BDSM that is greatly tied to The Old Guard history and teachings. If that is also you, welcome and thanks for the continued support, or if you are new here and want to learn, welcome, glad you made it.

Otherwise, please take your flakey version of this lifestyle and fuck all the way off. Thanks Jen

*this post is bc someone keeps commenting arguing with me about the lifestyle, from their comments it is clear we are not in the same lifestyle…but they want to attack me, and my ideas. Im not interested in any thing that person has to say, but they wont move on…apparently they are butt hurt bc i told them they were not a good fit for my group (which is beyond obvious at this point) …next time i get a comment from you…yes you, im reporting it to WordPress. So again, just in case you didnt get what i said, i will slow it down. Please….FUCK…ALL…THE ….WAY….OFF. Thanks, now have the day you deserve. ✌🏻



Just about everything within Traditional BDSM’s teachings/beliefs can be traced back The Old Guard (the original gay leather biker/military men) and The New Guard/The New Leather (when they opened up to also include lesbians). We might do things a little different, adjusted to fit the respectable changes that have been made, but for the most part it’s very similar. Let’s take a look at what a collar meant to TOG, and how that reflects on collars today in Traditional & New Gen teachings. I will also touch on areas where collars are not respected as they should be (from not knowing the history of the collar).

The collar has always belonged to the Master, as it show the Masters ownership of the property/slave. The collar would have the Master’s name, M/s name (look at this like today’s Fet name), or House name/symbol. The slaves would wear their Master’s collar, proud to be owned by that Master, and proud that they did the hard work and EARNED the collar.
When attending events, other Masters would know the slave was owned, who the owner is, and would be respectful of that. Your actions while wearing that collar reflected on your Master and Their training ability. The collars would be returned if the contract ran its course, a partner died or was released. The next sub to be collared would wear a collar that, more than likely, had already been worn by other subs, and would feel honored to walk in their footsteps. As you see, the collar and being collared is a huge honor and wasn’t just handed out when the sub asked for it.

Let’s keep that mindset going as we move on to Traditional/current BDSM times. While there are still Leather Families/Households that still stick to the TOG traditions of earning a collar, most D/s & DD/lg don’t go to that extreme, and usually don’t keep the same collar to pass on to the next s-type. The collar has become more personalized to the subs style, which is fine, IF that’s what the Dom wants. Remember, it belongs to the D-type, and shows ownership, otherwise it’s just a cute fashion piece.

Some of those following Traditional BDSM do not recognize subs or littles as being owned or collared. The reason is limits. When you are M/s you are TPE, taking on the Masters limits, you are Their property. A collar shows ownership of property, if you are not TPE, you are not owned, and therefore don’t need to show ownership in the true Traditional sense of the word. There were no protocols established for anyone that wasn’t M/s, because they didn’t exist. You were SM and/or M/s and that was BDSM for The Old Guard. Since there were no protocols for those outside of M/s, it divided us as a community. Some of the more strict M/s saw all other sub types as claimed (not owned) and could not be collared. This topic does come up in Traditional M/s groups from time to time, so I want you to know the information and understand why it’s looked at like this, not to hurt anyone’s feelings or discredit their dynamic/collar. We can’t say words have meanings or our history matters to NG, and change things we don’t like because it makes us feel a certain type of way. Instead, study the history and the meaning behind the protocols. We can then adapt their philosophies to our changing world and keep the same honorable lifestyle.

We have an advantage over TOG bc we can study the history, their writings and philosophies as a whole. They did not have that luxury since they were living in the history we study, and communities were not connected like we have access to now. Studying TOG view on collars shows more than just ownership. It symbolized the Master and slave being bound together, as well as the symbol for the service and protocols that make up the discipline and mental bondage of a dynamic. This is exactly how today’s Traditional BDSM recognizes the other dynamics and their choice to collar their s-type. That does not mean anyone claiming to be a sub can just be collared. You still have to hold true to the discipline and mental bondage as TOG, it may look less strict than what they expected out of their slaves.

Here are some areas of the collar that are confused with some aspect of the vanilla world or are just plain wrong.

Comparing the collar to a wedding ring or marriage. This has been going on as long as I’ve been in the lifestyle. It is similar in the aspect of commitment that the vanilla marriage is supposed to represent. Not the actual relationship type, bc normally there is not a power exchange in a vanilla relationship (unless they are vanilla versions 1950s/TIH or FLR).

Self-collaring. This is where a sub collars themselves (claims to “own” themselves) to empower themselves or heal from past trauma. I get what they mean, and I’m all for that…but don’t call it collaring. Without the Bondage and Discipline there is no service or protocols, or power exchange. All needed on some level, even if really relaxed, to have a dynamic. Pretty simple. Get a tattoo, or bracelet etc to show the commitment to yourself.

Subs asking (or some demanding) to be collared. The only appropriate time for a sub to talk about wanting to be collared is during vetting and negotiations. This is to make sure you are both on the same page about being collared or not and the meaning behind it. After that, it’s 100% the D-types call. Not all D-types collar their s-type, it’s not required to collar someone, ever.
If you understood what it means to collar someone, and what it means to be in a dynamic that is collared you wouldn’t push it, you would earn it. If you ask, and the Dom lets you pick out your fave one and then just gives it to you, you are not collared. Both parties lack the understanding of the symbolism and commitment of a collar.

The Velcro collar.
This is one of the ways where the internet has ruined BDSM. For the D-type, it is where they offer up a collar really quick, and to just anyone. Then the relationship fails (i know shocker)…then the next sub comes around, collared very fast, rinse and repeat. From the sub’s perspective this is someone that is very submissive to the online Dom right from the start, submits within a few days (or weeks), accepts a collar without vetting, negotiations or understanding what all of this means, after the Dom gets all the pics and sexting he vanishes and she now moves on to the next one.

A play (or bondage) collar is not an “official” collar. It has absolutely nothing to do with a dynamic or ownership, it is a tool used in a scene, no different than a set of cuffs or crop. The play collar is used to enhance the theme of the scene, like a cat collar during pet play. A bondage collar would be thicker with an O ring to help restrict different movements. There has to be a power exchange, and ownership in order to collar/be collared otherwise it’s just a prop for a scene, or cute jewelry.

Polyamorous flag

The flag that represents the Polyamorous community, just sucks. It has been disliked since 1995 when it became our official flag. So every few years the community will decide to try (again) to design a new and better flag to better represent the Poly community, vote, and then it never takes off. So its that time again. Below is a pic of the current flag, the one on the top with the blue/red/black with 𝝅. The other flags are ones that were designed, and voted on but on such a small platform that it never took off. The one with the heart and infinity symbol is another popular one (meaning infinite love), but its not the “official” flag.

The symbolism with our current flag is
Blue stands for “Openness & Honesty among all partners”
Red stands for “Love & Passion”
Black stands for “Solidarity for those that must hide their poly side”
Pi is a Greek letter it was picked bc it stands for irrational number with infinite decimal places, a play on poly people having infinite love. (I also saw it explained as pi and poly both start with P so they picked the Greek letter Pi.)
it is in gold to represent the value placed on emotional attachment, not just physical attraction.

Polyamfam is working to get the flag changed, they have a larger platform and working to unite other larger platforms so we can finally change this eyesore.
Here is a his IG (he did an IG short about the flag)

Here is a link to Polyamproud (ran by Polyamfam) this is were voting will take place. There isnt a date just yet (i will make another post when it does. Im not sure if they are taking designs from just anyone, if you are interested in submitting your design (becoming part of history) you can email them to get the needed info. Polyamproud



Have we had it wrong this whole time?

We have gone over what subspace is, and how to get there (Recently did a review on the subspace webinar). At the beginning of the webinar they mentioned 2 different ways to get into “subspace”. The first one mentioned was the most common way talked about, from pain. I’m not going to go into the science of it, there is a great article in this group just search subspace. 

The second way is described as “Self-Awareness via sexual scripts”. The person hosting the webinar also called it “headspace”. So I started doing research on this. It is true, some kinks/scenes will put you into a headspace that will give you a subspace feel, you get the floaty high, time skipping, can’t really speak, limited movement, mind quiets…subspace. The examples i have found, and some the webinar mentioned was bondage (rope space), pet play (not role playing a pet, but taking on the mindset of a pet..very different), service sub or 1950s Domestic Dominance (DD) (sub-space), serving your D-type/submitting (sub-space), age play while serving/submitting (little space) and bootblacking (i couldn’t find the “space” name for it, but similar to service sub but Leather). 

These are all headspaces that are caused from a chemical release in the brain. Different acts cause different chemicals. Without getting into too much of the science, here is one example, bondage. Being bound in rope will cause your brain to release oxytocin (same as being hugged) and this will cause a feel good headspace very similar to that we call subspace. All of those different types of headspaces also cause drops as well, because your body is now wanting the increased chemical and the “high” from the headspace we were just experiencing.

So with all of that said, many many years ago, whoever coined the phrase “subspace” got it wrong. Technically it should be called masochist space, or even bottom space would have been more accurate than subspace. As you do not have to be a sub to actually get into subspace, you have to be a masochist and receive pain.  TNG isn’t completely wrong when they say they are getting “subspace” from submitting. They just aren’t getting into what we call subspace. From what I read subspace from pain is the most intense with higher highs, but that also comes with lower lows. Rope space being the next with the intensity and depth of the space that they go into. I have known some rope bottoms that said they get a “high” from bondage, but had never been in subspace so they couldn’t compare the two. Now i cant speak for the subs claiming they are getting into subspace from doing tasks(without pain), but a small task is not enough. Just being owned/claimed is also not enough. Just like a few spankings can’t get us into subspace, it takes time and repeated actions to release those chemicals to achieve any form of sub/head space. 

I’m not trying to change anything (even though it needs it), but I do have a better understanding of sub/head spaces. I also like to figure out how/why TNG got the ideas/beliefs they have (especially the incorrect ones). What are your thoughts on this? Have you been in any of the other headspaces? How did you get there and how did it feel?

Newbie Advice

For those that are new in this lifestyle, if i could offer you some very important advice. When first getting into this lifestyle, please take the time to educate yourself BEFORE looking for a partner. Things like …Do you want a dynamic? Do you want kink…which kinks? What kinks are a big NO, what kinks are huge turn-ons? What position do you want in a dynamic? What identity do you connect with? Knowing what these are.. Safe call, vetting, safeword, hard and soft limits, consent, power exchange (basic bdsm 101 stuff) There are so many parts of BDSM you need to learn and understand (understanding being the more important one) before jumping in. How can you be a good Dominant if you dont reallly understand what that is? How can you think you are submitting if you dont understand what that actually means? How can you be a Top if you dont understand the dos and donts of that kink? You are setting yourself and your potential up for failure and putting yourself in a potentially dangerous position.

[i just want to add that this doesnt really apply to those already in a relationship and is adding BDSM. You still need to educate yourself on the same stuff…you just already have a partner.

Do We Need To Be Trained?

Do we need to be trained?

The last couple of days I’ve been searching for ideas for discussion topics and I’ve noticed something that keeps getting brought up, being trained. When I say trained, I’m not talking about how your D-type wants their drink, or dinner, where and how you are supposed to sit, etc. Those activities are different with each D-type, and can even differ with each dynamic (if they have more than one partner), so yes you would have to be trained how to serve THAT Dom.

The discussions i am seeing are things like “what task can i do to help me from talking back to my Dom”, “what gag can i use to help me not smart off at my Dom” “my Dom required me to ask permission to speak, but i always forget”

The common thing with all of these (tons more than what i put here, but you get the point) ask how do i act respectful and submissive to my Dom. So those that claim to be submissive, do you really need to be trained to not smart off, act up, be disrespectful, break rules, etc? Shouldn’t that just come with being a decent human being?

I didn’t have to be trained to be a nice person to my Dom, to be respectful, to think of Him in my actions. I really don’t understand the need for this level of training, subs aren’t some wild beast that needs to be captured and trained in being a human. Maybe I’m missing something, but I don’t get it. So what are your thoughts on this? Experience in this? Questions?

If you know a sub who needs character training, we recently did a podcast on the subject. Please share it with them!
BDSM United Podcast

Making Changes to Help Your Dynamic

Einstein said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.

There are things that NEED to be exact so we can all be on the same page, but not everything in this lifestyle needs to be textbook BDSM. There are parts of this lifestyle that can be adjusted to fit you and your dynamic’s needs. This can be due to health issues, injuries, triggers from abuse, and limits. Adjustments should NOT be made to make submission easier, it should be for when the task affects their mental or physical wellbeing.

Here are a few examples. I have a bad knee, so I can’t kneel for very long. My physical body limits my activities as a sub, sometimes. Does that mean I am not a good sub? Of course not. Kneeling is not something that all Doms require. Kneeling can be one of the many ways a sub can show submission, respect, love, loyalty, regret, embarrassment, humility etc. Adjustments can be made to allow the sub to kneel without actually kneeling. I could kneel on a pillow, sit on the floor, stand or sit in a chair with my eyes down. A Dom makes the adjustments to avoid harming Their sub or property while still getting served. Dom gets what they want, and the sub doesn’t feel they are lacking as a sub because of a physical or mental restriction. Understanding what kneeling means and why it happens can help you adjust the actions to get the desired results from kneeling.

Another example comes from a post in a group. This sub was asking if anyone ever felt uncomfortable putting on their play collar in front of their Dom. I’m using this as an example as it’s a perfect situation where an adjustment can be made to get the desired result. I suggested to the sub that communication needs to happen, to see if there is an issue they aren’t aware of, and then suggested to step up their protocols. Instead of standing there unsure of yourself, possibly naked, fumbling to buckle a collar, potentially ruining the subs mindset or the overall mood. Why not have the sub get the play collar (it’s a collar used in a scene, not the same a being collared), kneel while presenting the collar to their Dom, the Dom can remove the real/day/permanent collar (the collar that represents being owned) and puts the play collar on. A ritual will help everyone get into the mindset needed for the scene and to newbies it helps them feel “more BDSM”.

IF as a Dom, you feel your sub needs to feel confident about putting their play collar on in front of you, help guide them to the desired end result. Or if you feel they should kneel before you, make the necessary adjustments to ease their physical disability. Help solve the issue, and the dynamic will grow because of it. Demanding the sub do it the same way over and over without guidance until they get it right is abusing your power, and the opposite of being a Dominant.

The point of this is to show you that understanding why we do what we do, will help shape your dynamic to be successful and fulfilling. Sometimes a sub needs guidance, sometimes the sub is limited in what they can do so adjustments need to be made either way the change will help them blossom into a confident submissive.

The Identity of Switch and the Role of Versatile

Lots of popular BDSM resources use the word Switch to mean two totally different things. This was actually popularized by TNG because in very Traditional BDSM the identity of Switch did not exist. Let me explain.

Old Guard hierarchy derives itself from the structure of Military Rank. If you begin as a Private or a Corporal and through mastery of skill and experience reach a commissioned rank such as Captain or Major, the responsibilities of your commissioned rank prohibit you from ever going back to being a Private or a Corporal again. In OG, Mastery was transformative. It was impossible to be the Master of one person and the slave of another because Masters became Masters through Mastery. It was perfectly acceptible for a man to choose to remain a slave and not desire to work toward Mastery.

Within Old Guard there was however a word for men who liked to give and receive kinks, men who were bottom to certain kinks and perhaps Top in other kinks were called Versatile. In gay culture today this terminology is still in use. Some men are predominantly Tops, others are bottoms, and those who are some of both are Versatile.

In the early 1990’s when Old Guard faded and more modern ways of BDSM became more common is when we first see the identity of Switch begin to form. Before this time, people largely earned their titles and within modern BDSM we pick our titles based on our preferences. They are self-assigned, hopefully with our personality and actions adding validation to what we’ve chosen. The idea of people earning Dominant titles through Mastery has faded.

The identity of Switch is a person who has the potential to be the Dominant in one relationship dynamic and the submissive in another relationship dynamic. This identity was formed based on preference. Sometimes a Switch prefers one relationship at a time. Others practice being a Switch through non-monogamy.

Oftentimes BDSM resources, especially TNG-influenced resources, will confuse everyone by using the word Switch to mean being Versatile. Anyone who prefers to be the Top during some kinks and the bottom during other kinks in a scene is Versatile. This even applies to the kink of roleplaying. If one acts like a dominant in some scenes and acts like a submissive in other scenes the person is Versatile. Roleplaying is when one acts like something within a scene that does not match their identity outside of that scene.

Another TNG invention is mixing the identity of Switch and the kink of Versatile roleplaying together. Out of that mutation comes a Switch who is somehow both Dominant and submissive within the same relationship. There isn’t any real way for this to work other than causing chaos and a breakdown of what it means to be truly Dominant and truly submissive.

To have a successful D/s dynamic there must be consistency with the power exchange. The s-type gives the D-type the power to discipline and place them in mental bondage. This consistency will hold everyone accountable to maintain the agreement/contract that was negotiated and consented to. Constantly switching within the same dynamic breaks down this mindset. There is no flow of who is in charge and who is not. No rules would be taken seriously. The rules can be changed when the other person takes charge. Within a power exchange dynamic, there has to be a constant person in power to keep the discipline in order, the mindset of the mental bondage in place to be beneficial to the dynamic. The identity of a Switch is someone who is consistently the Dominant in one relationship dynamic and consistently the submissive in another relationship dynamic.

A couple that appears to be constantly switching D-type and s-type identities are actually roleplaying their Dominance and submission. Being able to dominate someone for a period of time is not the same as being a Dominant. Same with submitting to someone for a period of time and being a submissive. I could for, say a 24 hr period, dominate my Dom, be in total control within his limits. I am not the Dominant. I am role playing the Dominant. The difference is the consistency of the mindset. I have the mindset of a submissive, however I can act out or play any role that you need me to.

Alpha sub…

An “alpha sub” is the #1 or head sub in a multi s-type with one D-type in an ethical non-monogamy dynamic. That person helps train, enforce the rules and sometimes helps in a scene. To be an alpha sub, you must first be a sub (by submitting), and then be the alpha in the dynamic. You are alpha to the other subs, NOT the D-type.

Who you are in your vanilla life does not matter in the BDSM lifestyle. It doesn’t matter if you are the boss, have a strong personality, or if you “wear the pants’ ‘ in your vanilla relationships. You are not an alpha sub. There is absolutely no such thing, except the definition above.

The term comes from a few places. One being TNG not understanding the strength of being a submissive. Needing to separate themselves from the actual submissive role bc they view submissives as weak and under them. On many TNG websites/blogs there will be explanations of alpha subs being strong minded, not submitting to just anyone, the D-type must be strong enough to handle them etc etc. News flash…THAT is what a submissive is. We are strong, we need a D-type that can handle us at our worst, AND you should not just submit to anyone. There must be vetting and then negotiations to not only make sure you are safe, but to also make sure there is compatibility.

Another place this comes from is a BDSM author that pushed various hierarchies of s-types. The “warrior” princess was one of those types, that is the origin of the alpha sub. This author abused his platform, groomed young girls and tricked women to fill his “house” and his ego. He and his #1 sub was arrested, and found guilty. So consider the source.

Here is his explanation:
[Ever get the feeling, when you read about all the “classic” categories of submissive, that there must be one missing? You know which one we’re talking about. The missing submissive is the one that is the wicked-smart, strong-willed, uber-competent, ultra-competitive, synergistic, switchy, crusader. She’s no one’s doormat, never a victim. She is a kick-ass submissive for the 21st century. Think: Xena, the Warrior Princess, kneeling at the feet of Hercules. This definitely isn’t a woman in a precarious predicament waiting helplessly for her White Knight to arrive and slay a dragon for her.]

By his logic, and others that think alpha sub is a thing, all other s-types are doormats, weak, victims, stupid, no will power or self esteem. You do not need to point out characteristics of something unless they differ from the others. It’s redundant to do so. So pointing out how this “alpha” is, means the others are not these things.

You can have a dominant personality and be a s-type, you aren’t special, you’re a sub.

You can have a submissive personality and also be a s-type, still not special, and still just a sub.

You can be a switch (meaning you are the sub in one dynamic, and the Dom in another.) that’s still not an “alpha sub”. The dynamic where you are the sub has nothing to do with the dynamic you are the Dom. You are expected to be submissive, do tasks, follow rules and be respectful. So being the Dom in the other dynamic doesn’t make you special or alpha of anything.

Traditional BDSM doesn’t recognize “alpha” sub as a s-type. There is no need to add adjectives to your identity, especially when the adjectives dont describe something within BDSM. You wouldn’t say “i’m a goth sub”, goth is a vanilla style/personality and being goth doesn’t have anything to do with you being a sub. Those that are part of the Leather or Primal communities will claim Leather Master or *Primal Top. Leather & Primal are parts of BDSM, and do show a difference in the type of Master or Top.

*A Primal Top can be a Dominant, but does not have to. Primal is a kink/scene related to a Top, which has nothing to do with your position in your dynamic.