Littles & Age Play

How does Ageplay differ from being a Little/Middle/Big?

For starters a “little” is an adult that has the personality and mindset of someone younger, childlike, they are the submissive in a BDSM dynamic. A middle has the mindset of a teenager, and a big would be early 20s. This is NOT a kink, it is their role!

A little that does NOT ageplay will NOT have a “little age”, that is characteristic of someone that ageplays. A little is in or looking for a “DD/lg” a “MD/lg” or “CG/lg” (or lb for little boy/boi) type of relationship dynamic. They prefer a Caregiver or a Daddy/Mommy Dom to serve since they usually have similar kinks and relationship goals. This part of the lifestyle is NOT incest or pedophilla, it’s always a relationship between consenting adults (18+).

Caregiver is a gender neutral term, and doesn’t have to be the “Dom” in the dynamic. A lot of times it is someone that helps them when ageplaying/little space and helps make sure they take their meds, drink water and eat healthy.

Ageplay is a form of role playing, you role play a different age or treat someone as if they were a different age. This isn’t always a role play, age regression is real, it is even used in hypnotic therapy to help with childhood trauma. You can role play someone older or younger, it can be sexual or non-sexual, but it has to be between consenting adults. Like all role playing activities ageplay can be a way to relieve stress, provide comfort and safety or help with emotional scars from their childhood. This is considered a “bottom” kink since submitting does not have to be part of the role playing.

During ageplay the goal is to hit “little space” this is different and not to be confused with “sub space”. Little space is the headspace the ageplayer gets into during the scene. The regression will vary with the person, various things can trigger going into little space, like coloring, your CG’s tone of voice, a cartoon/movie. Caregivers, ask your partners what types of things they enjoy doing when in little space, what things take them out of little space, and if they need anything special while in little space, never just assume. Diaper play can also be part of ageplay, but is not required.

Littles that do NOT ageplay do NOT go in and out of little space. They are always in some form of little space. IF you are a little and at any point you regress in age, regardless if you are aware of it or not you are ageplaying. Nothing wrong with that, because you can be both. I have personally dealt with the “littles” that know everything and push their lack of education on others, by trying to make them feel less of a little or sub.

•You can be a little and NOT ageplay.

•You can ageplay and NOT be a little.

•You can be BOTH.

•You can be an ABDL and NOT role play or NOT be a little or a sub, OR you can be all 3.

•You can be an AB (Adult baby) and NOT be into diapers.

•You can be into diapers and NOT be into AB or ageplay.

There are a lot of different combinations with littles and those that ageplay! Don’t judge others if they don’t ageplay like you, or if you thought you HAD to ageplay to be a little. I’ve noticed those that thought you HAD to ageplay (or have a littles age) to be a little, didn’t realize that ageplay doesn’t necessarily mean diapers and bottles.

Hopefully this has cleared up any confusion concerning littles and those that ageplay.

Fetlife 101: Setting Up Your Profile

There are a lot of kinkster/BDSM community sites on the internet. One of the oldest, and most commonly used is Fetlife.com*. When first getting into the lifestyle and then joining Fet it can be really overwhelming. Take your time when filling out your profile, if you don’t understand something either ask a friend, bdsm forum, other kinksters on Fet or google it.

Here are some areas on Fetlife that are important to complete on your profile, and are important to look at when vetting someone else. We do change so it’s ok to update your role, what you are looking for and/or your kinks as often as you need to. The only right answers are the ones which are right for you, so be honest.

Your role helps people understand who you are at this moment within the BDSM lifestyle. A submissive is more than likely looking for some kind of Dom, while a masochist is probably looking for a Sadist. Research the various roles within BDSM, see which one fits you now. Please do not take the BDSM test to get role suggestions. That test is NOT accurate, I’ve taken it several times, given the same answers and I got different results.

How active are you? This lets people know what level of BDSM you are looking for. For example 24/7 means a very committed relationship with a lot of interaction, or “just the bedroom” means no kink outside of the scenes. What level do you require in your relationship?

How active are you?

What are you “looking for”? I personally have friendship and events ✔️ off. Meaning that’s all I use my profile for, I’m not looking for a relationship or play partner (but I still get those creepy mssgs asking to hook up). You can change them as you change and what you are looking for changes. There is no shame wanting what YOU want.

Check off the ones you are looking for.

Another area that is important is the kinks. You can now list fetishes as the following, “into”, “curious about”, “soft limits”, and “hard limits” IF you are listing it as something you are into regardless if it’s giving, receiving or everything about it, you should have ACTUAL experience with that kink. Make sure you understand what the kink is before listing it under your fetishes. Do NOT make up your own definitions, or apply Vanilla meanings to the kinks. If you have CNC (Consensual Non-Consent) as an “into” fetish, for example, but you’ve never tried it you are misleading and can put yourself in a potentially dangerous spot. Most kinks aren’t really dangerous if you mislabeled them, but the ones that are considered edge play are VERY dangerous and even deadly so make sure you label them properly.

A screenshot of some of the kinks I’ve listed on my profile.

IF YOU HAVE NOT PHYSICALLY EXPERIENCED THE KINK, YOU NEED TO LIST IT AS “CURIOUS ABOUT” When talking to someone new, make sure you ask them about their “into” kinks, how much experience with each, the amounts of research and education they have put into the kink. This is all part of the vetting process to see if they are into the same kinks, and experienced enough for you to feel safe. The kinks or activities you will NOT do are listed as your “hard limit”. Those are not to be questioned or forced on you. The soft limits are kinks you are willing to try with more education or an experienced person.

Many options with listing kinks on your profile.

Going through all of the kinks, looking up ones you’ve never heard of, or something you never thought of as a kink will help you grow as a kinky person. You will have a better understanding of your needs and how to communicate the desire for them. If something is a deal breaker, either you can not live without it or it’s a trigger or hard limit for you, list that in your profile.

These are just a few things to do so your Fetlife profile fits you as a kinky person. Make sure you read other member’s profiles to see who they are, what they are into, and what they are looking for BEFORE Sending a mssg. You can tell a lot by a person on fet that has nothing filled out, doesn’t respect your communicational terms, follows a ton of people but very few friends or has joined a lot of groups that are just sex related.

*we are not affiliated with Fetlife in any way. These are my opinions on having a successful experience on Fetlife.

*edit update. PrimalPiggy has a YouTube video up about setting your Fetlife profile up. He takes you step by step with various important areas. This will be a multi-part series. Click the link to go to our BDSM United YouTube channel.

Power Exchange

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Power exchange is simply one partner giving power to another for a designated period of time. Power exchange happens within the BDSM lifestyle (including play partners) but it also happens in the vanilla world as well. The highly recommended book “Screw the Rose, Send Me the Thorns” by Philip Miller & Molly Devon describes power exchange the best with “[power exchange] is the empowerment of the Dominant BY the submissive’s surrender to His/Her control. The power exchange is consensual and should be well negotiated. The depth of power yielded by the submissive is equal to the level of responsibility assumed by the Dominant.” So basically the Dom/Top can’t expect their submission without taking equal responsibility for them. The same goes for the submissive/bottom; you can’t expect the Dom/Top to take responsibility if you aren’t giving them power (control). 

Before I discuss the various types of power exchange, I want to address why the power exchange sometimes doesn’t work. First off, during the vetting process make sure you have things in common and have the same communication/love languages. So many are willing to get in a relationship with, invest in them emotionally or submit to them and you barely know them. I know it’s hard being single, with no partner to love or to play with, don’t make that your driving force. Know YOUR worth, and know what YOU bring to the table. Don’t settle for less. Don’t overlook red flags just to say you have a partner, girl/boyfriend or Dom/sub. It won’t work out and you are increasing your potential for getting hurt or worse.

Also, I have seen a lot of subs say their current partner or the potential Dom they are vetting are not a strong enough Dom. During the vetting process that potential partner might not be bringing their Dom/me game. There is a good reason for this, a Dom/me should only be a Dominant type to those under their command. They should not bark orders and be super “Domly” Dom (I also like to call them Master Thundercocks) to the waitress, your friends, people at the munch or dungeon or even YOU. Why is that? Because outside of our dynamic we are equal. Now some may take the lead in the group say if something is wrong with a food order, or organizing an event. Taking the lead is not dominating the group or an individual person (even subs will do it, I’m one of those sub). I’m a control freak, and will take the leading role, but I’m a submissive little to my Daddy/Dom and ONLY Him. Who I am in the vanilla world or in the BDSM community does not have to reflect my role in my relationship.  

All power exchange dynamics in the BDSM community are like a dance, the Dom/me can not lead if the sub doesn’t not follow. If they are busy trying to show the Dom they are wrong, how to do it better (topping from the bottom) or refusing to dance at all (being a brat), the dynamic will fail because the s-type is not dancing.  THIS does not mean that Dom/me is weak, or not a real Dom; it actually means they are NOT being a sub. So many are ready to point the finger and blame someone else. IF the sub is doing their part within the negotiated terms and the Dom/me is not taking the lead, this will also fail because as the quote states they have to take equal responsibility for the amount of  power you have given them. The responsibilities should include but not limited to your well being, growth within the dynamic, community and lifestyle along with other things you both have negotiated within your dynamic. Make sure you are doing your part in the dynamic and it’s with someone you actually like, have similar kinks, relationship goals and have a connection with.

**LGBTQ+ disclaimer, I didn’t include all of the sexualities or identities below to keep it simple. Ignore the genders in this and see where you and your dynamic fit in. 

The Vanilla side

Equal: both parties have a say so in decisions concerning where they live, big item purchases, chores, etc. They can “switch” it up by one handling certain jobs because it’s more convenient for them.

Male-led relationship: Domestic Disciple or 1950s household. The one in control makes the money, controls where and how it is spent. Chore list would be left for the partner that stayed home, dinner at a certain time. Much like the “1950s” household. Kink is not a driving force in this relationship.

Female-led relationship: A female empowering relationship. The female (or the one in charge if it’s a lesbian couple) makes all decisions, makes sure all chores are completed, bills paid, and the couples socializing with others. Kink is also not a driving force for this relationship.

BDSM or kink side

M/s: is TPE (Total power exchange). A Master or Mistress has control over their slave, within the negotiated terms. This is considered the more extreme dynamic within the BDSM lifestyle. I suggest a 9-12 month vetting/negotiating period before officially submitting. Kink is a large part of the relationship, but shouldn’t be the only thing bringing the couple together.

D/s: same as the Male led relationship but adds an erotic/non-vanilla kink to it.

Domme/sub: same as FLR but with kink.

CG/l: would fall under either the D/s or the Domme/sub, there is more of a nurturing caring side to this power exchange.

Absolute power exchange (APE): is not attainable unless you are together 24/7. Meaning no work, school, kids, or hanging out with friends without your partner. They make every decision for you. What to eat and drink, friends to hang around with and the topic of discussion, your outfit, hair color, length and style, EVERYTHING.

TPE but Kink only: This is the ones that are only into the kink. They can be in a dynamic with that person, but it’s usually a vanilla relationship. There really isn’t a “total power exchange” with this couple. More like a power exchange for a limited time during certain kinks, usually know as “bedroom only”

Who has the Power?

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Who has the power in a D/s dynamic? This has been a heated topic for some years. The discussion is usually accompanied with a pic of a Dom holding a leash with the sub attached to it, with the caption “Who here has the power?” Is it the Dom? He does hold the leash. How about the submissive? How can they have the power if they are on their knees being led around by the Dom..but wait isn’t our submission a gift, a gift they have to earn and we can take back at any time. Right? Well yes…but also no.
A gift is something you give expecting nothing in return. It is also something you don’t take back. Our submission is not a gift because we expect a Dom to do what a Dom does or we aren’t happy. Our submission is a negotiated power exchange.
I believe this discussion, along with other misleading information has led to toxic thinking about control within the BDSM dynamics. The Dominants must be strong enough to handle the submissive’s worst behavior, while only displaying healthy respectful trustworthy behaviors in return. Read that again, and louder for the ones in the back.
A submissive does not have to obey or agree to any punishments given to them by a potential Dom, that does NOT mean you can just run all over this person and treat them like shit and expect them to take your submission.
A dominant earns your submission by showing you what type of person they are, their viewpoints on the lifestyle, their goals for you as their sub and the dynamic with you.
Imagine if the Dom you were vetting treated you like crap, disrespecting you in public, didn’t care about your mental health, basically the opposite behavior we are looking for in our Dom. THAT is the behavior these “subs” are not only having, but also having other people think this is how it works.
In a sub group, a sub actually commented the following…with lots of others agreeing with them “My Dom must earn my submission daily, no matter how many times I talk back or break the rules. I don’t want a weak ass Dom, a sub like me needs a strong Dom!”
Let’s break down what they said..a Dom does have to earn your submission, BUT you have to earn their dominance. Once you have submitted, the Dom has your submission as long as they don’t cross any lines that were set up in the vetting process, so they don’t have to “earn” your submission anymore, they have it. A dominant does not have to stay in the dynamic if the submissive is not behaving in the fashion agreed upon previously either. These aren’t looking for a real Dom, especially not a strong one, so for the doms that do not want a sub with this mentality, you are NOT weak, or soft.
In a healthy well negotiated BDSM dynamic both the Dom and the sub have the power, they have the power to invest time and energy into each other in order to make a successful D/s dynamic. Yet they also have the power to make it toxic, and fail miserably. Once the contract is signed, they both still have the power, hopefully they will use that power to grow closer to one another and become better people as a result. Instead of figuring out who has the power, who is in control etc..why not invest your time and energy into vetting and negotiating with a potential partner to increase your chances of having a healthy and successful relationship.

Safe words

101794367_2691183047873116_455357548027969536_nA safe word is something you use during a scene to let your partner know if you are ok, need to slow down/readjust or to STOP. While most kinksters use the stoplight method, you can use any word(s) that you can remember easily as long as it is not something normally said during a scene. 

During some intense scenes the sub/bottom may say things like “no”, “stop” “ouch” or may scream like you’re killing them. This is pretty normal during a scene, but it doesn’t mean they actually want you to stop what you’re doing. We use safe words to help communicate our needs to our Dom/Tops without unnecessarily disturbing the scenes flow.

The stoplight method I mentioned earlier is simply RED, YELLOW, and GREEN. Red means STOP right NOW! Either they can’t handle what you’re doing to them, they are in way too much pain, not in the right headspace, or possibly something medically wrong. Yellow means slow down, or I need to readjust or give me a minute to catch my breath. While green isn’t really used during the scene, it means I’m ok, having a good time, please don’t stop. If the Dom feels the need to check in with the sub, they can either say “are you ok?” Or “are we still green?” The sub can either reply green, or any of the other safe words that they need to communicate to their Dom at that moment.

Your safe word should be picked out BEFORE you start your search for a partner, NOT 5 mins before a scene. You need to have your safe word memorized so if/when the time comes you will be able to say it. This could be while starting to float off to subspace, having pain you can’t handle, and cumming the 50th time that hour…not so easy when you add all of that to the picture.

There are other methods of communicating a safe word, besides actually saying them. If you are gagged or hit subspace hard like I do, you won’t be able to speak. To communicate to your Dom you can tap a certain amount of times, hold something to drop like a ball or scarf. It can be anything that you can remember to do and the Dom understands the signal to avoid any physical or mental damage during the scene.

A Dom should also have a safe word. While they normally don’t shout the word “red” before stopping a scene, they can stop or take a break if they see their sub is struggling or upset. This is why it is important to take time to learn your partner’s body and how it reacts to various types of pleasure and pain. 

There is a big debate if a sub should have a safe word during punishment. I think they should have a safe word, but only use it for emergencies NOT to get out of a punishment. Just like during a scene, things can go wrong during a punishment. When you are negotiating various things about your potential dynamic, don’t forget to discuss the punishments as well. If there is something you can’t do because of either physical or mental reasons let your potential Dom know. For example, if you have bad knees you shouldn’t be kneeling on rice, or if someone abused you with a wooden spoon, you probably want to avoid the spoon. You can list those things as hard limits so the punishment corrects a behavior, not physically or mentally harms you.

Another type of safe words are for medical conditions. I knew someone that was diabetic so her medical safe word was sugar, that meant she needed to stop and either take meds, check blood sugar or eat. A rope bunny could use numb as a safe word to alert the rigger that something is numb and they need to readjust. Make them personal to you and your condition, but again easy for both of you to remember.

Everyone should have a safe word, even someone in a M/s dynamic. Normally a slave is not allowed to have a safe word, because they have negotiated every possible situation, and completely trust their Masters not to cause any unwanted harm to them. Since a Master can make mistakes, and is not a mind reader there should be some kind of signal to let them know there’s an emergency that needs to be dealt with. 

Some of those in a M/s use “mercy” as a safe word. By using mercy they are letting the Master know they would like to stop or take a break, it is then up to the Master to then have mercy on their slave and grant their wish. This safe word still serves its purpose of communicating to the Master the need to stop, while still allowing the Master to be completely in control.

I hope this clears up any confusion of what a safe word is and how to use it. Never feel ashamed for having to use safe words, it doesn’t make you weak or less of a sub. Doms never criticize or punish your sub for having to use their safe words, instead build them up and tell them how proud you are of them. It is important to vet your potential Dom really well because safe words are just words and if you have a “fake” Dom or predator they might not honor them. If safe words are ignored a lot of unwanted physical and emotional damage can be done during a scene that wasn’t consented.

 

What is a safe call?

101469688_194468628368841_2859929636194746368_nA Safe Call is something that does not get talked about enough that’s for sure. For that reason I’m writing a quick note to explain why it’s so important, and the different options you have when planning your safe call. A safe call is when you call someone to let them know you are ok, and more importantly safe. You meet someone new (either at a munch or online) and this is either the first time meeting face to face, or first time alone-ish. Have several safe calls and text set up to make sure you make it home alive.

Have at least one person that will know who you are meeting, include a pic of them, their name, phone number and a screenshot of their fb or fetlife accounts (if applicable). It is also important they know the address and phone number of where you are meeting, if there will be a second location or change of plans, call (don’t text) your friend and let them know.

You should do this with every date or meeting until YOU feel safe. You should also set up safe words with your friend. These are so you can let your friend know you are scared, worried or in danger. For example, if at any point during the safe call I say “it looks like I will make it to church this Sunday” my friend knows something is definitely wrong. I’m not religious and that statement is not normally questioned. Now if I said I need to borrow their yellow dress, that is no joke, I’m not safe, call 911 and give them my location. I hate the color yellow and don’t wear dresses. Not alarming for those around you but your friend knows it’s serious.

Texting is not the best way to make or receive a safe call, because ANYONE could be using your phone. If you have to text instead of call, the text check-in can have key words or an emoji to let them know it is you.

We have established what and how..how about how often? They should be called on your way..hang up as you get to your location. About 10 minutes later have your friend call you. Let your date know you will be answering the phone. If they are legit they will know what a safe call is, and respect it! If not, that is a HUGE red flag!! Depending on how safe you feel, and the length of time you’ve known your date you can add more or less check ins. I would include at least two more calls, one to let them know you are finished with the date and safe in your car headed home, and last to say you made it home.

When meeting someone new DO NOT meet them alone, in a secluded area like their house, your house, or the park. This could mean your life!

DO NOT play on your first meet! They need to earn your trust! Once you are tied and gagged you aren’t getting free on your own.

IF you are meeting at the local dungeon, or during a munch, let the DM or host know this is a first meet. If you know anyone also attending the munch let them know this is a first meet. When I host a munch, I will speak to their date to get a feel for them and let them know if I get a bad vibe from them.

I would even restrict your social info until you know this person better. Your cell number is a pain to get changed, as well you can’t just up and move if they start showing up unannounced. Snapchat has a map with your actual location shown, including street name. They don’t need to see pics of your kids, or where you work, or if you live alone.

I know it seems so scary to do all of that just to meet a potential Dom/me or sub. More than likely you won’t need the safecalls or have your friends call for help but evil stuff does happen, and some people are fake and abusive. It’s better to plan and be safe than have no one to call and you know you’re not going to live through this.

Here are some other suggestions to help keep you safe:

• Make sure your phone is charged, bring a wire, plug and backup battery.

•Have a lock on your phone (either face, fingerprint or code)

•keep it with you at all times.

•Drive separately.

 

Punishment vs “funishment”

101503618_616224355658694_8203125400621023232_nWe see those words used a lot in BDSM forums and most of the time they are used incorrectly. A punishment is not supposed to be enjoyed or desired by the submissive. IF they are, then they don’t understand the fundamental aspect of being a submissive. A punishment is used to correct a behavior of the submissive. It should be explained why it’s wrong, the correct way to please your Dominant and then forgiven during aftercare. A punishment is not a desired spanking. I’ve seen subs say that later they are getting punished (and be excited about it), I’ve also seen Doms ask what is the best way to punish their subs and with what. In both cases they were just talking about getting/giving a spanking. A consensual spanking is NOT a punishment. It is simply impact play. You can use spankings as a punishment if the sub doesn’t like to be spanked (and it’s not on their hard limits list). You can use a toy they don’t like, for example, I absolutely hate a wooden spoon (grrrrrr) so that would be perfect for me as a punishment.

So-called Funishments or “fun punishments” are usually in role playing scenes. The bottom/sub will act out to push their Doms buttons. This can be playful and cute to downright disrespectful. This behavior is very common with “smart ass masochist” aka S.A.M. A SAM’s goal is to push their Top/Doms to the point where they bring out the primal sadist. They want to be forced to surrender, but that’s not an easy task because they will fight you the whole way. The brattiness is a behavior of a bottom, you can be a submissive or little who enjoys SAM play. The s-type is your role in the dynamic, being a brat or SAM is a behavior you enjoy during a scene. Funishments are NOT for everyone, which is why this should be negotiated before the scene. If you are a submissive as well as a SAM, you should let your potential Dom know that you want that to be part of your dynamic and scenes. Not every Dom wants to deal with bratty behavior, that does not make them weak or fake. It’s about compatibility and what you need and are willing to give your partner.

 

Punishment ideas

101821812_612242576050769_262983497528901632_nDiscipline & Punishment Ideas

Discipline focuses on teaching desirable future behavior.

Punishment is to inflict suffering as consequence for past behavior.

 

Punishments should not be done in anger, and should always reinforce positive behaviors. 

Here are some ideas for punishing your submissive without being physical or giving them spankings.

Discussion This is for the minor infractions or first time offense, simply stating that you are disappointed in their actions and offer a better solution for next time.

Submissive’s input  Deciding on a punishment together, by letting the submissive voice their thoughts on what punishment would fit the crime. Discuss why they acted out, what they did wrong and desired behavior for next time.

Daily Affirmations Use this for when the submissive talks bad about themselves or their body. This will help them see the beauty and value of their life while reinforcing positive body imagining. Give them a sentence to say in the mirror every day or even every hour and then take a pic and see the beauty within oneself.

Reenactment   Redo the situation immediately, this time with the correct behavior. Repeat if needed, answer any questions they may have to better understand what they did wrong and what will be expected of them next time.

Lectures  Make them meaningful learning experiences, not just scoldings. Explaining the desired behavior, why it’s desired, and why it’s best for the sub and the relationship.

No Dessert This can be a restriction from their fave foods, snacks, or dessert. You can also force them to eat something they don’t like (ALWAYS make sure they do not have any allergies to that food)

Writing Lines  Make sure the sentences include either what they did wrong, or the changed behavior. They should be numbered, neat and correct spelling/grammar. You can have them put their finished pages in a folder so she can keep up with all infractions.

Writing This can be a letter to the Dom, or an essay paper (like in school). There should be an apology, also an explanation of what they did wrong and how this will be corrected in the future. This should be in proper paragraph format with correct spelling and grammar.

Withdrawal of Privileges  Basically grounded from your fave toys or activities for a designated length of time.

Extra Cleaning Chores This would be extra chores they normally don’t do, or don’t do as often. You can make it more intense by having them use only a toothbrush or on their knees (get creative)

 

The following are a little more extreme. Make sure you know your submissive enough to know the punishment won’t cause a negative outcome or be viewed as abusive. The point of a punishment is to correct a behavior and reinforce the negotiated behavior.

 

Corner Time Having to sit still either in a corner or up against the wall, can also be placed in a cage during this time. No talking, moving, or electronics. Can be intensified by having to hold a coin on the wall with their nose, kneeling on rice or books on outstretched arms.

Bondage  Any form of bondage for a set amount of time. During this time they are not allowed to talk or try to escape, they are to reflect on their actions and what modifications need to be made in order to avoid another punishment. While they are tied up you should NEVER leave them alone or have them gagged (as a safety precaution).

No contact That does NOT mean to ignore them. Explain what they did wrong, the length of the punishment/no contact and the behavior you were expecting. They are to take the time to reflect on their behavior and how they can change it. During this time they are not allowed to initiate any form of contact (in person, online, text or calling).

Lose Furniture Privileges They are not allowed to sit on any furniture during a designated time. This includes but not limited to the couch/chair, bed, kitchen table, and outdoor furniture. They are to sit on the floor to do any activity including eating and sleeping.

Removing Collar  This is my least favorite punishment to give or receive. I honestly don’t recommend it at all. It should be used as a last result, and only removing the collar temporarily. At this point, if you have tried all the other punishments and they are still disobeying, being bratty or being disrespectful you should sit them down and discuss if this relationship is what they really want. There is no reason an adult can’t follow rules. They might be acting out because they are unhappy with the relationship, their submissive roles and/or the lifestyle. 

 

Once punishment is completed, it should be dropped. You should not bring up previous punishments or bad behavior when dealing with current behavior (unless they keep disobeying the same rules). Be sure they know you are proud of them for completing the punishment and using it as a tool to be a better submissive and person for you in the future.

 

Different types of submissives

101544815_1618126901690512_6822155164254732288_nA submissive is a role in the BDSM community, it is to the right of the /. There are several types of submissives, different levels if you will. One is not better than the other, just different. Different in many ways including the amount of control you give to your Dominant, and even what type of Dominant you might be looking for. A sub can be a boy/boi, girl, gender fluid or gender neutral or trans (or any that i have forgotten) All sexualities and gender identities are also included in being a submissive.

I’ve done many years of research on the various roles in this lifestyle, I am writing the following to break down what the sub roles are and to help decide what type of submissive you might be. This is my opinion drawn up from years of personal experiences, talking with other educators in the lifestyle, reading lots of notes about the various submissive roles. You do not have to decide just one, you can be some of one and more of another. You might also change roles completely as you grow in the lifestyle or if you change partners.

Bottom. A bottom is technically not a submissive at all, but we class them under subs because they are in the s-role in a scene. I am not saying submissives are better than bottoms, this isn’t a race so calm down. A bottom is there to experience the scene, NOT to submit. They are not necessarily sexual with the Top in the scene, but can be. A bottom would be the prey role in a primal scene, or the masochist in a S/m scene. We would also classify a S.A.M. (Smart ass masochist) as a bottom. They use bratty behavior to be anywhere from teasing to down right rude to their Top to get a sadistic primal reaction from the Top. They want pain and want to be put in their place and won’t give that up easily.

Service Submissives A service sub is less about sex and more about doing chores for their Dom. Some will dress up in a maid uniform or completely naked. They enjoy providing services for the D-figure. This role is usually not sexual at all, but of course that is acceptable if both parties agree to the terms. Dommes will have their service subs serve tea to other Dommes during a traditional tea party.

Sexual Submissive  A sexual sub is similar to a bottom, with the exception they do submit, but only during the scene. They are also known as bedroom submissives. Again one is not better than the other. These submissive are usually very busy or have kids so it is not ideal to be naked, kneeling and awaiting their next order. A lot of times this is what married couples will do to spice up their marriage. I have known some that were so strong willed outside of the bedroom that this was their only time to let go and be free to float about subspace.

Internet Submissive An internet sub is one that experiences all things online. They usually use some mssg service, phone calls and video calls to spend time with or scene with their partner. They usually never meet their Dom/Domme, or play in real time* (Real time instead of real life bc real life implies that online is not real life). With some this is all they want, for whatever personal reason they don’t want to take it to real time, others can’t either bc of their location, job or just not confident enough to take it to the next step. There is a huge community of online only kinksters on various sites. I cannot suggest any websites besides FetLife bc I am not an online sub, and would not want to put anyone at risk. I have spoken with some that have experienced subspace from an intense phone call from their Master,

Littles A little is a submissive that has a childlike attitude and view on life. A sub normally serves their Dom, but in a CG/L a little is taken care of by their Caregiver(CG). Even though it looks like its reverse and the little is in charge, they are not. The CG wants and needs to take care of their little, it’s in their nature and fulfilling to them. There are times where the little does serve their CG, during a scene or by completing a task. The littles usually likes to have fun play dates with coloring and stuffies. Littles and their CG are NOT into pedophilia and/or incest. Their Daddy is not their biological father or pretending to be. The Daddy/Mommy role is more of a caregiver, emotional supportive, a cheerleader and Dominant. A lot of people lately have been putting age play and being a brat as a requirement to be a little. NOT all littles age play, and not all those that age play are littles (or even a submissive). You can age play (or regress into little space) AND be a little BUT it is not required. So those littles that don’t age play won’t have a “little age”

Being bratty is a behavior NOT a role, and is not normally part of being a little. Besides some light “picking” and teasing, a little does as they are told. The bratty behavior belongs with a SAM which is a bottom. You can be a little with bratty tendencies (SAM tendencies to be correct) the little side is who you are in your dynamic, the SAM part should only come out in a scene, since that characteristic is part of a bottom. “Funishments” are wrongly placed as a little thing. They are bratty to get a fun-punishment. This is completely incorrect. A SAM will be bratty and disrespectful to get pain or a spanking from their Top.  No submissive, littles included want to be punished or disrespect their CG. 

Submissive A sub is someone that enjoys giving up control in exchange for pleasure in serving their Dom/me. They follow the negotiated rules set out by the D-figure, and agree to a punishment if they break a rule or are disrespectful. Normally a submissive will have a safe word, even during punishment. Their Dominant will also ask for and consider the subs input and opinions about a scene or different kink, especially if they haven’t explored it together before. While the Dom has control, and the final say so, the sub does have a voice in this dynamic.

Slave A slave is the submissive in a Master/slave relationship. This relationship is built on trust, yes the others are as well, but M/s is VERY strict. Once the vetting process is over, the negotiation period will begin. Some of the old guard have collars for each stage of an M/s (I will be posting about the various types of collars very soon). During this negotiation stage you will be “under consideration” meaning the Master will be going over various rules, scenes, kinks, limits and punishments they expect you to follow if you decide to submit. You have a voice during this time, so use it. If there is anything you don’t like, can’t do, don’t want to do etc speak up and negotiate. This is how the contract is made. I suggest a 9-12 months of being under consideration bc once the contract is signed, you belong to them. No not legally, and yes you can walk away. It won’t hold up in any court. Doing so without a just reason will make you look bad in the eyes of the community. The Master is not allowed to cross any hard limits, and while technically you don’t have a safe word, there should be an emergency word if your health is in question.

I hope breaking down the various types of submissive will help you get a better understanding of the lifestyle but also yourself. While we don’t want everyone in a box with a label, there are some guidelines you should follow when discovering the submissive in you.

 

Kink Of The Month

Kink of the Month is a monthly subscription box, ran by a husband and wife kinkster couple. They wanted to spread the love of kink & adult toys to like minded people, or those just dipping a toe in.

There is a theme for each month, and that theme will decide what type of adult toys or kink related item (like rope) you will receive. The number of items and the boxes worth will vary from month to month. For only $49.99 (+state taxes and shipping) a month they will create and ship you a box of adult goodies. I can see lots of toys and kink experiences in everyone’s future. As of right now this is only available for those in the US.

When signing up, please check out the FAQ area for info on dates to order new box, shipping info etc etc. You will also be able to customize your box to fit your gender, if you’re single/in a relationship and your partners gender.

April’s theme is good vibrations…and you prolly guessed it, everything vibrates. My box was for a M/f couple. I received the follow items.

1. Evolved™️ Love is Back Fusion Edition, it’s waterproof dual headed massager. Takes 4 AAA (included in the box)

2. Doc Johnson The Mystical mushroom from the Wonderland series it’s a silicone vibrating cock ring.

3. California Exotic Novelties Silhouette S19 premium silicone with 5 functions and triple motors. USB rechargeable and 100% waterproof.

4. Pipdream’s PDX Elite Vibrating Stroker (shown in pic)

Boxes may vary depending on quantity of various toys. The box came in a plain discreet box, so nosy family or neighbors won’t know your lil secret.

The products are wrapped in a black paper sealed with a sticker. It’s also filled with shredded purple paper to cushion the toys.

I personally loved the extras, it shows class and that they take pride in their boxes.

This is a great way to build up a toy box for those just starting out, that don’t want to pay full price, or even experienced kinksters that want to try new types of kinks or toys. I can’t wait for next month.

Theme Of The Month For May: Estim/Electrostimulation

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A big thanks to Kink of the Month for sponsoring this review, but by no means influenced my review of their product. I keep it totally real for the WCDT fans.

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