Safe words

101794367_2691183047873116_455357548027969536_nA safe word is something you use during a scene to let your partner know if you are ok, need to slow down/readjust or to STOP. While most kinksters use the stoplight method, you can use any word(s) that you can remember easily as long as it is not something normally said during a scene. 

During some intense scenes the sub/bottom may say things like “no”, “stop” “ouch” or may scream like you’re killing them. This is pretty normal during a scene, but it doesn’t mean they actually want you to stop what you’re doing. We use safe words to help communicate our needs to our Dom/Tops without unnecessarily disturbing the scenes flow.

The stoplight method I mentioned earlier is simply RED, YELLOW, and GREEN. Red means STOP right NOW! Either they can’t handle what you’re doing to them, they are in way too much pain, not in the right headspace, or possibly something medically wrong. Yellow means slow down, or I need to readjust or give me a minute to catch my breath. While green isn’t really used during the scene, it means I’m ok, having a good time, please don’t stop. If the Dom feels the need to check in with the sub, they can either say “are you ok?” Or “are we still green?” The sub can either reply green, or any of the other safe words that they need to communicate to their Dom at that moment.

Your safe word should be picked out BEFORE you start your search for a partner, NOT 5 mins before a scene. You need to have your safe word memorized so if/when the time comes you will be able to say it. This could be while starting to float off to subspace, having pain you can’t handle, and cumming the 50th time that hour…not so easy when you add all of that to the picture.

There are other methods of communicating a safe word, besides actually saying them. If you are gagged or hit subspace hard like I do, you won’t be able to speak. To communicate to your Dom you can tap a certain amount of times, hold something to drop like a ball or scarf. It can be anything that you can remember to do and the Dom understands the signal to avoid any physical or mental damage during the scene.

A Dom should also have a safe word. While they normally don’t shout the word “red” before stopping a scene, they can stop or take a break if they see their sub is struggling or upset. This is why it is important to take time to learn your partner’s body and how it reacts to various types of pleasure and pain. 

There is a big debate if a sub should have a safe word during punishment. I think they should have a safe word, but only use it for emergencies NOT to get out of a punishment. Just like during a scene, things can go wrong during a punishment. When you are negotiating various things about your potential dynamic, don’t forget to discuss the punishments as well. If there is something you can’t do because of either physical or mental reasons let your potential Dom know. For example, if you have bad knees you shouldn’t be kneeling on rice, or if someone abused you with a wooden spoon, you probably want to avoid the spoon. You can list those things as hard limits so the punishment corrects a behavior, not physically or mentally harms you.

Another type of safe words are for medical conditions. I knew someone that was diabetic so her medical safe word was sugar, that meant she needed to stop and either take meds, check blood sugar or eat. A rope bunny could use numb as a safe word to alert the rigger that something is numb and they need to readjust. Make them personal to you and your condition, but again easy for both of you to remember.

Everyone should have a safe word, even someone in a M/s dynamic. Normally a slave is not allowed to have a safe word, because they have negotiated every possible situation, and completely trust their Masters not to cause any unwanted harm to them. Since a Master can make mistakes, and is not a mind reader there should be some kind of signal to let them know there’s an emergency that needs to be dealt with. 

Some of those in a M/s use “mercy” as a safe word. By using mercy they are letting the Master know they would like to stop or take a break, it is then up to the Master to then have mercy on their slave and grant their wish. This safe word still serves its purpose of communicating to the Master the need to stop, while still allowing the Master to be completely in control.

I hope this clears up any confusion of what a safe word is and how to use it. Never feel ashamed for having to use safe words, it doesn’t make you weak or less of a sub. Doms never criticize or punish your sub for having to use their safe words, instead build them up and tell them how proud you are of them. It is important to vet your potential Dom really well because safe words are just words and if you have a “fake” Dom or predator they might not honor them. If safe words are ignored a lot of unwanted physical and emotional damage can be done during a scene that wasn’t consented.

 

What is a safe call?

101469688_194468628368841_2859929636194746368_nA Safe Call is something that does not get talked about enough that’s for sure. For that reason I’m writing a quick note to explain why it’s so important, and the different options you have when planning your safe call. A safe call is when you call someone to let them know you are ok, and more importantly safe. You meet someone new (either at a munch or online) and this is either the first time meeting face to face, or first time alone-ish. Have several safe calls and text set up to make sure you make it home alive.

Have at least one person that will know who you are meeting, include a pic of them, their name, phone number and a screenshot of their fb or fetlife accounts (if applicable). It is also important they know the address and phone number of where you are meeting, if there will be a second location or change of plans, call (don’t text) your friend and let them know.

You should do this with every date or meeting until YOU feel safe. You should also set up safe words with your friend. These are so you can let your friend know you are scared, worried or in danger. For example, if at any point during the safe call I say “it looks like I will make it to church this Sunday” my friend knows something is definitely wrong. I’m not religious and that statement is not normally questioned. Now if I said I need to borrow their yellow dress, that is no joke, I’m not safe, call 911 and give them my location. I hate the color yellow and don’t wear dresses. Not alarming for those around you but your friend knows it’s serious.

Texting is not the best way to make or receive a safe call, because ANYONE could be using your phone. If you have to text instead of call, the text check-in can have key words or an emoji to let them know it is you.

We have established what and how..how about how often? They should be called on your way..hang up as you get to your location. About 10 minutes later have your friend call you. Let your date know you will be answering the phone. If they are legit they will know what a safe call is, and respect it! If not, that is a HUGE red flag!! Depending on how safe you feel, and the length of time you’ve known your date you can add more or less check ins. I would include at least two more calls, one to let them know you are finished with the date and safe in your car headed home, and last to say you made it home.

When meeting someone new DO NOT meet them alone, in a secluded area like their house, your house, or the park. This could mean your life!

DO NOT play on your first meet! They need to earn your trust! Once you are tied and gagged you aren’t getting free on your own.

IF you are meeting at the local dungeon, or during a munch, let the DM or host know this is a first meet. If you know anyone also attending the munch let them know this is a first meet. When I host a munch, I will speak to their date to get a feel for them and let them know if I get a bad vibe from them.

I would even restrict your social info until you know this person better. Your cell number is a pain to get changed, as well you can’t just up and move if they start showing up unannounced. Snapchat has a map with your actual location shown, including street name. They don’t need to see pics of your kids, or where you work, or if you live alone.

I know it seems so scary to do all of that just to meet a potential Dom/me or sub. More than likely you won’t need the safecalls or have your friends call for help but evil stuff does happen, and some people are fake and abusive. It’s better to plan and be safe than have no one to call and you know you’re not going to live through this.

Here are some other suggestions to help keep you safe:

• Make sure your phone is charged, bring a wire, plug and backup battery.

•Have a lock on your phone (either face, fingerprint or code)

•keep it with you at all times.

•Drive separately.

 

Punishment vs “funishment”

101503618_616224355658694_8203125400621023232_nWe see those words used a lot in BDSM forums and most of the time they are used incorrectly. A punishment is not supposed to be enjoyed or desired by the submissive. IF they are, then they don’t understand the fundamental aspect of being a submissive. A punishment is used to correct a behavior of the submissive. It should be explained why it’s wrong, the correct way to please your Dominant and then forgiven during aftercare. A punishment is not a desired spanking. I’ve seen subs say that later they are getting punished (and be excited about it), I’ve also seen Doms ask what is the best way to punish their subs and with what. In both cases they were just talking about getting/giving a spanking. A consensual spanking is NOT a punishment. It is simply impact play. You can use spankings as a punishment if the sub doesn’t like to be spanked (and it’s not on their hard limits list). You can use a toy they don’t like, for example, I absolutely hate a wooden spoon (grrrrrr) so that would be perfect for me as a punishment.

So-called Funishments or “fun punishments” are usually in role playing scenes. The bottom/sub will act out to push their Doms buttons. This can be playful and cute to downright disrespectful. This behavior is very common with “smart ass masochist” aka S.A.M. A SAM’s goal is to push their Top/Doms to the point where they bring out the primal sadist. They want to be forced to surrender, but that’s not an easy task because they will fight you the whole way. The brattiness is a behavior of a bottom, you can be a submissive or little who enjoys SAM play. The s-type is your role in the dynamic, being a brat or SAM is a behavior you enjoy during a scene. Funishments are NOT for everyone, which is why this should be negotiated before the scene. If you are a submissive as well as a SAM, you should let your potential Dom know that you want that to be part of your dynamic and scenes. Not every Dom wants to deal with bratty behavior, that does not make them weak or fake. It’s about compatibility and what you need and are willing to give your partner.