Einstein said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.
There are things that NEED to be exact so we can all be on the same page, but not everything in this lifestyle needs to be textbook BDSM. There are parts of this lifestyle that can be adjusted to fit you and your dynamic’s needs. This can be due to health issues, injuries, triggers from abuse, and limits. Adjustments should NOT be made to make submission easier, it should be for when the task affects their mental or physical wellbeing.
Here are a few examples. I have a bad knee, so I can’t kneel for very long. My physical body limits my activities as a sub, sometimes. Does that mean I am not a good sub? Of course not. Kneeling is not something that all Doms require. Kneeling can be one of the many ways a sub can show submission, respect, love, loyalty, regret, embarrassment, humility etc. Adjustments can be made to allow the sub to kneel without actually kneeling. I could kneel on a pillow, sit on the floor, stand or sit in a chair with my eyes down. A Dom makes the adjustments to avoid harming Their sub or property while still getting served. Dom gets what they want, and the sub doesn’t feel they are lacking as a sub because of a physical or mental restriction. Understanding what kneeling means and why it happens can help you adjust the actions to get the desired results from kneeling.
Another example comes from a post in a group. This sub was asking if anyone ever felt uncomfortable putting on their play collar in front of their Dom. I’m using this as an example as it’s a perfect situation where an adjustment can be made to get the desired result. I suggested to the sub that communication needs to happen, to see if there is an issue they aren’t aware of, and then suggested to step up their protocols. Instead of standing there unsure of yourself, possibly naked, fumbling to buckle a collar, potentially ruining the subs mindset or the overall mood. Why not have the sub get the play collar (it’s a collar used in a scene, not the same a being collared), kneel while presenting the collar to their Dom, the Dom can remove the real/day/permanent collar (the collar that represents being owned) and puts the play collar on. A ritual will help everyone get into the mindset needed for the scene and to newbies it helps them feel “more BDSM”.
IF as a Dom, you feel your sub needs to feel confident about putting their play collar on in front of you, help guide them to the desired end result. Or if you feel they should kneel before you, make the necessary adjustments to ease their physical disability. Help solve the issue, and the dynamic will grow because of it. Demanding the sub do it the same way over and over without guidance until they get it right is abusing your power, and the opposite of being a Dominant.
The point of this is to show you that understanding why we do what we do, will help shape your dynamic to be successful and fulfilling. Sometimes a sub needs guidance, sometimes the sub is limited in what they can do so adjustments need to be made either way the change will help them blossom into a confident submissive.
Jen of WCDT 