There are a ton of different types of predators within the BDSM lifestyle. This is why we push for everyone to educate themselves (before getting involved with a partner), communicate about everything (asking questions) and trust your gut. Use common sense!! Join education group on either fb or fetlife, ask other members of this lifestyle if something sounds weird or off. Get involved with your local community, and attend munches. Ask the d-type questions, ask the same questions again to see if their story changes, ask for references if they’ve been in the lifestyle for any amount of time. Check out their social media for (especially Fet) to see if their story lines up with what they are telling you.
Today I want to bring to your attention a “collector”, it’s a predator that disguises as a D-type, that likes to collect subs. Not to be confused with an Ethical Non-monogamous dynamic, there is nothing ethical about a collector. A collector does not care about the lifestyle, or about the submissives they are trying to collect. This is a sick game for them to take advantage of someone either new, low self esteem or in sub frenzy. They are literally a walking red flag! The D-type will know just enough about BDSM to look experienced and knowledgeable BUT doesn’t actually have any experience or REAL knowledge about anything in this lifestyle. A lot of times they will “appoint” an alpha (meaning the lead sub in a poly dynamic) to find newbie submissives. If this is an on-line only dynamic the predator dom can convince the subs to send them money, pics/videos or personal information. In person, they can do that as well, but they can also mentally/physically abuse you, rape, steal your personal items, or even hold you against your will.
A friend of mine met a “dom” online, moved in with him right away (against my warnings) he held her hostage (along with 6 other subs) for months. He made them do drugs so they would be more complacent, stole everything from them (including money sent by family), a friend of hers had to break into his house and physically remove her. She hadn’t eaten in a few days (she’s diabetic) and was drugged out of her mind (she never did drugs before this)… She wasn’t super new to the lifestyle, but she was desperate to find a D-type to submit to. If she hadn’t been rescued, she could have died from many different things. All of the subs that were being held at that house ran away that day, thankfully.
When first starting your journey in the BDSM lifestyle, you will read and hear a lot about “roles”. There are 2 definitions for “roles” in this lifestyle;
1. How you identify in this lifestyle, and/or within a dynamic. (For example: submissive).
2. What your role is in a scene, a role playing title that is directly related to the kink in the scene. This is not a title outside of the scene, has nothing to do with your dynamic(s), potential dynamic(s) or lack of desire to have one. (For example: Sadist)
While your *identity* (def 1.) is a more permanent title, it can change as you or your dynamic evolves. Your *role* (def 2) can change with each scene or even during a scene.
There is a lot of confusion and incorrect information being spread about the 2 different definitions of BDSM roles. To be honest, it would be easier to understand if it was separated and became *identity* and *roles*. Since it is all grouped under one word, regardless of the different definition, many people in the lifestyle lazily group all of the left / people together and the right / people together. *I say lazily because with a small amount of research it is very clear what the differences are. This is mainly because of a certain BDSM test, and it being looked at as a starting point, conversation starter and worse of all as how you “pick” your role (yes this happens all of the time, and even pushed by some groups).
Look at definition 1 as who you are as a person, who you are in a dynamic, and who you are OUTSIDE of a scene. Definition 2 is who you are role playing as DURING a scene/kink and if you are the giver or receiver.
Your identity (def 1) will NEVER be your role (def 2), and your role will NEVER be your identity.
The roles (def 2) are basically some type of Top or bottom title, and are always kink related. Just about everyone that has a kink in their life is either a Top/bottom *in that scene*. This does not take away from your identity in the lifestyle. If your identity is to the left of the */ (which is the D-type identity) you can take on either Top or bottom roles during the scene. Same with the right of the /* (which is the S-type), you can continue to be on the receiving end, or you can be the one giving the kink and take on the Top role.
Knowing both your identity and kink roles will help you during your research and education, it will also help in looking for and vetting partners (relationship and/or scene partners). When someone taking that test mentioned above gets the results and the test gives them a kink role as their identity (which it does, more times than not) it has created a breakdown of the REAL identities. For example brats are a kink, it is a negotiated behavior of a bottom, it can be related to primal play, S.A.M. Or punishment scenes. You can be a submissive that plays the role of a brat during a scene, but brat is not something that you can identify as in this lifestyle. IF you have negotiated that the behavior will continue outside of the scene, that is unique to your dynamic, and still is not your identity. It should not be taught as an absolute and should not require changing the meanings to those identities or roles. i know this is something pushed by *The New Generation* (TNG), and a hot topic for those that don’t understand the difference between an identity and a role during a kink scene.
One very important key factor is that Top/bottoms should be respected in this lifestyle. It takes just as much research, education and experience to be a Top as it does a Dominant, same with bottoms and submissives.
I will be going over the different identities and who they generally seek as a partner (you are not limited to just those counter partners). I will also be going over the different types of roles, and their definitions. These notes will all be titled the same, with what part it is in this series.
PART 2: POWER EXCHANGE DYNAMICS AND THEIR IDENTITIES
Power exchange is where one person gives the other a certain amount of control over them and the relationship. Some level of power exchange happens in every relationship, both vanilla and BDSM. This has nothing to do with kink, or their roles in the bedroom/scene. This should be discussed and agreed upon before starting the relationship.
**LGBTQ+ disclaimer a lot of my research is done on older articles where it wasn’t always inclusive with gender and/or sexuality.
🌀The Vanilla Side🌀
▫️Equals: both parties have a say so in decisions concerning where they live, big item purchases, chores, etc. They can “switch” it up by one handling certain jobs because it’s more convenient for them.
▫️Female-led relationship (FLR): A female empowering relationship. The female (or the one in charge if it’s a lesbian couple) makes all decisions, makes sure all chores are completed, bills paid, and the couples socializing with others. Kink is also not a driving force for this relationship.
▫️Male-led relationship (MLR or Taken in hand): Domestic Disciple or 1950s household. The one in control makes the money, controls where and how it is spent. Chore list would be left for the partner that stayed home, dinner at a certain time. Much like the “1950s” household. Kink is not a driving force in this relationship.
🔹Total Power Exchange (TPE): . A Master or Mistress has complete control over their slave. This is considered the more extreme dynamic within the BDSM lifestyle. This isn’t something to jump right into, it takes time and growth to become TPE.
🔹Power Exchange: This is a D/s, DD/lg or CG/little (this is also for Mommies and little boy/boi.) There is a negotiated amount of power exchanged, a lot of the dynamics reserve the rights to negotiate limits, rules and punishments.
There are basically 2 identities in the BDSM lifestyle. Dominant and submissive. The one in control, and the one being controlled.
🔹Dominant: The umbrella identity for the person in control of their relationship and partner on some level in the BDSM lifestyle. The Dominant takes on the responsibility for the wellbeing and proper training, guidance for their submissive.
🔹submissive: The umbrella identity for the person who has consensually given over some level of control to their Dominant. They are obedient and compliant to their partner. They should always conduct themselves in a respectful manner recognizing their behavior is a direct reflection on their Dom.
Here is a list of the different types of Dominants and submissives.
▪️Master/Mistress: A type of dominant that has ultimate control over their slaves. They usually seek a TPE dynamic.
▪️slave: A type of submissive who gives total power to their Master. They sometimes are considered possession not a partner (but still a person), and might speak or type in 3rd person.
▪️Owner: similar to a Master, they are the owner of a slave that identifies as a pet or service slave (not to be confused with animal play).
▪️Pet: a non-sexual slave that does not have any animal traits. They are sometimes referred to as an object not a person, this is not a commonly used definition of this identity since pet/animal play (a role) has taken over this word.
▪️Dom or Domme: The person in control of a D/s relationship and a submissive.
▪️sub: The person giving up control to their partner in a D/s dynamic.
▪️Daddy/mommy Dom: A Dominant that is protective and supportive, much like a parent (hence the name). This is not someone that is “into” incest or pedophila. This dynamic may have less power exchange than others, depending on the dynamic.
▪️Caregiver: can be a big or a non gendered alt for Daddy/Mommy. This person usually makes sure the little is taking care of themselves, meds and eating properly.
▪️littles: A submissive that has the characteristics, behaviors and mindset of someone younger or childlike. This has nothing to do with age play or age regression. …Depending on some behaviors littles might identify as middles, bigs, babygirl/boy.
🔹Gorean is part of the BDSM lifestyle that originated from the science fiction writer John Normal. It is a M/s relationship based on servitude and slavery. Most of the time it follows old “traditional” gender roles with the women serving the men (Master). It has changed some and there are practicing Masters that are female/fem/NB, with male/NB slaves. (Just wanted to note, that in doing research for this, in more than one article it stated that those that follow a Gorean lifestyle dont always claim the BDSM lifestyle.)
▪️Gorean Master: A Master that follows the rituals and practices created within the world of Gor (fantasy/adventure novels by John Norman.
▪️kajira (female)/kajirus (male): The slave to a Gorean Master.
🔹Keyholder and someone in chastity is not technically an identity, but there is a level of power exchange. It’s not a role either, because they are not role playing chastity.
▪️️Keyholder: Someone that holds the key to a chastity (belt or cage), there does not need to be a relationship/dynamic or any other power exchange.
▪️chastity/locked: the person wearing a chastity device that trusts someone to hold the key.
🔸Switch: This is a person that can be the dominant person in one dynamic and the submissive person in another dynamic. Being both roles in the same dynamic is close to impossible, and would be counterproductive because of always changing your mindset. Usually this is confused with someone that identifies one way in their dynamic, but can be the opposite role in the scene. This has nothing to do with kinks or roles, i explained why in part 6 under *switch.
PART 3: LEATHER IDENTITIES AND FAMILY DYNAMICS
The Leather community started around the 1940s having strong roots in the gay biker community and The Old Guard. They are considered part of the BDSM culture because of their kink and S&M practices. Most Leather traditions come from military protocols and rituals. These traditions can vary depending on the region and the size of the clubs and community. This has been a cause of debate because not everyone agrees with certain traditions, saying some practices are “romanticized” versions of Leather. With BDSM becoming more mainstream, a lot of the traditional Leather community do not claim to be part of the BDSM culture.
In the late 1970s lesbian S&M Leather clubs started showing up in bigger cities. One of the largest being Leather and Lace, it was also a support and social group. They had a code of conduct they adapted from The Old Guard training they received from local Leather men.
While at its start it was only gay men, now under “New Leather” or “New Guard” it is considered pansexual, including straight people and there are women, fem and NB members as well.
MasterTaino on Fetlife explains the different “degrees” of a Leather family. It’s not always a group of people living in the same house. It’s much more than that, it’s about being loved, respected and feeling they belong. Below is part of what he wrote, the link takes you to the completed writing on Fetlife. (Remove the “*” and put a “.” to use the link.)
🔹The Community – Many of us like to refer to the Leather Community – or any of their subcultures – as our Leather Family. In this community we feel like family because we are among like-minded individuals who share a lot in common with us. Others as well see a segment of the community as their family, for example, the members of their Leather Club, organization, event, etc.
🔹Our closest friends – It is very common for us to refer to our closest Leather or Kinky friends as “our Leather Family” as well. I have many of those. People who have been with me alongside my journey and whom I consider brothers and sisters but they do not belong to my formal Leather Family. When we are with our closest kinky friends, we are family.
🔹The Households – There are many of us who live together in a household and as a family. In my case, it is I and my slaves. We are a household and a family. Other households in the Leather Community are integrated by three or more people who are partners among themselves. Several years ago, there was an International Mr Leather titleholder from Florida who lived with his two partners. And they are family. Sometimes there is a couple that brings in a third person as part of their household and family. Sometimes there are two Masters with several slaves. A household can be built in many ways. Each person does it in a way that works for him or her. And there is nothing that will not allow just a couple to consider themselves a Leather Family.
🔹Back-patch Leather Family – This is something that is seen more and more recently. This is where I have evolved in the past few years. My family is now integrated by 12 members in addition to my live-in slave. Currently we have a female Senior Master, and several Masters, Junior Masters and slaves. These members do not live with me, but in different cities in Virginia, New York, Maryland and Pennsylvania. They all wear a leather vest with our family crest patch on the back. Not all of these types of families have or wear patches but there is a trend in that direction.
MsTori on Fet explains what a leather family is, and how they really encompass what a family does for each other. For copyright purposes they have asked only to share the link.
As you can see below when writing about the Leather community the L is always capital, much like The Old Guard. It’s a way to show respect to the community and honor the elders. When writing about roles and identities Leather is always first, and capitalized. The dominant/top identities/roles are also capitalized (just like in BDSM) and the submissive/bottom identities/roles are always lowercase. For example a Leather boi or Leather Daddy.
🔹Leather Top: a person in the Leather community that does or leads the
Leather bottom during a kink/scene.
🔹Leather bottom: a person in the Leather community that receives during a kink/scene from a Leather Top.
🔷Leather Family (as per Fetlife glossary): Leather Families are those that have bonded through the Leather lifestyle and have elected to join together as a Family. Traditionally, a Leather Family shares some common protocol and rituals, and a person becomes a part of a Family by invitation. Being a part of a Leather Family does not imply that members are intimate, sexually or romantically.
🔹Leather Daddy: A dominant that is a masculine-presenting person, usually older, that is in the leather community.
🔹Leather Mommy: A dominant feminine-presenting maternal figure that is in the Leather community.
🔹Leatherboy: a submissive that is masculine-presenting in the leather community.
🔹Leathergirl: A submissive that is feminine presenting that is in the Leather community.
🔹Leatherboi: A submissive that can be any gender, can be fem or masc presenting that is in the Leather community.
🔹Leatherman: A masculine-presenting person in the Leather community, that is into the kinks and S&M. (Much like a kinkster in BDSM.) This is more a role than an identity.
🔹Leatherwoman: A feminine-presenting person in the Leather community, that is into kinks and S&M. (Much like the kinksters in BDSM.) This is more a role than an identity.
PART 4: BONDAGE
Bondage is a scene related kink for Tops and bottoms. Bondage can be something as simple as cuffs on during a scene, or at a more difficult skill level as shibari. Take your time learning the different types of bondage, what gear and/or rope used, and most importantly of all the safety needed to have a successful and safe bondage scene. For those interested in bondage, start out by using cuffs or other bondage equipment before trying rope. If you move on to trying out rope make sure you have done research on the different techniques and all safety involved, watch plenty of how-to videos and attend a rope demo (if available in your area). Discuss any medical issues, medications and injuries BEFORE using rope or doing any suspension.
The 12 different types of bondage.
▪️Western Rope Bondage: is done with cotton, nylon, or hemp and is focused mostly on restraint, typically so other things can be done to them. It differs from Japanese bondage as the tying is the act that is being done.
▪️Japanese Rope Bondage: is done with jute and is usually referred to as shibari. Often used both to restrain and stimulate the bottom by binding or compressing the breasts and/or genitals. The aesthetics of the bondage are considered to be a very important element of this form of bondage.
▪️Device Bondage: using things like cuffs, stocks, cbt, spreader bars, crosses to restrain someone, typically to hold them in place while another kink is performed.
▪️Mental Bondage: Being forced to remain in a position by the orders of the Top no equipment is used or needed on the bottom. A Master can also use mental bondage on their slave when training them with slave positions.
▪️Objectification Bondage: Placing the bottom in a dehumanized way, much like human furniture with using rope and other restraints to keep them in place.
▪️Costume Bondage: wearing restricting clothing like harnesses or gimp suits. This is more about the look than the actual bondage.
▪️Sensation Bondage: is a form of restraint which focuses on making the restrained person conscious of their own body and the sensations it is experiencing. These sensations are typically pleasant, but may also include painful sensations if the Top and bottom person agrees to it.
▪️Fetish Bondage: tying breasts, genitals or using a device on them like clamps for sexual excitement
▪️Sensory Deprivation Bondage: using devices such as hoods, gags, mitts, blindfolds, earplugs or headphones to give the sensation of being helpless while their other senses become more sensitive to stimuli.
▪️Predicament Bondage: a type of bondage in which the intent is to place the bound person in an awkward, difficult, inconvenient, or uncomfortable situation, or to set out a challenge for the bound person to overcome.
▪️Suspension Bondage: is when the bottom’s weight is totally or partially suspended. Usually using ropes, hooks, chains, and cuffs, bars and rigs. Can take hours to construct, and is considered an art form.
▪️Self Bondage: The act or practice of tying one’s self up or otherwise restraining oneself, sometimes as a part of masturbation. Includes some mechanism by which the person may be freed, which may include a timer mechanism to release a key or otherwise release the person. ⚠️ Should be considered edge play and inherently dangerous.
▫️Floor work is all bondage done on the floor, table, bed etc, with no suspension. Can use any safe type of rope and/or restraints.
▫️Suspension is where a Rigger uses any safe type of rope and/or restraints, sometimes using a pulley lifting a person or object.
🔹Bondage Top: uses restraints like rope, cuffs or spreader bars. Practices floor work only.
🔹Bondage bottom: likes receiving restraints like rope, cuffs or spreader bars etc. Practices floor work only.
🔹Rope Top: (giving)does floor and suspension but only with rope.
🔹Rope bottom: (receiving)does floor and suspension but only with rope.
🔹Rigger: someone that suspends people or objects using pulleys, rope, chains, hooks and cuffs etc
DIFFERENT TYPES OF ROPE
The most common fibers used for bondage are hemp, jute, nylon, and cotton. Hemp and jute are usually associated with traditional Japanese Shibari, while nylon and cotton are usually associated with traditional Western bondage. There are many other types of materials, so try the different types of ropes and go with what works best for you, your partner and the scene.
🔸hemp, jute and linen are flexible, rough texture, high friction, low stretch, moderate durability, good strength
🔸Cotton is flexible, soft texture, moderate friction, moderate stretch, low durability, low to moderate strength
🔸Silk and bamboo is flexible, soft texture, moderate friction, low stretch, moderate durability, good strength
*TIP* Not commonly recommended for bondage because it is stiff and splinters easily. High quality Coir is the most usable of this group, especially by those who enjoyed a very sadomasochistic experience from their rope.
🔸Nylon, paracord and MFP (multi-filament polypropylene) are flexible, soft texture, low friction, moderate stretch, high durability, very high strength
🔸Synthetic hemp (Promanila, Unmanila, Polyhemp, Hempex) is flexible, rough texture, moderate friction, low stretch, high durability, very high strength
🔸Polyester and POSH are moderately flexible, moderate texture, moderate friction, low stretch, high durability, good strength
🔸Generic polypropylene is stiff, hard plastic texture, low friction, low stretch, high durability, very high strength
Sadomasochism (SM or S/m) is giving and receiving pleasure from inflicting pain or humiliation on another. This is a scene specific kink for a Top and bottom. This is not inherently sexual, but sex can included if everyone consents.
Sadomasochism comes from joining *Sadism* and *masochism*.
Here is a little history about those terms.
The term sadism origin comes from the author Marquis de Sade (1740-1814) who was known for practicing sexual sadism, and wrote about it, with Justine being his best known work.
The term masochism is named after the author Leopoldo von Sacher-Masoch (1836-1895) who expressed his masochistic fantasies in his novels.
In 1890 German psychiatrist Richard von Drafft-Ebing introduced the terms *sadism* and *masochism* into the medical field with his research in “Psychopathology of sex”.
In 1905 Sigmund Freud described SM in his “Three papers on Sexual Theory” as stemming from irregular psychological development from early childhood. SM was placed on the DSM (what psychiatrists use to classify symptoms and deviant activities of mental issues or disorders.) BDSM activists protested against the philosophies of the 2 psychiatrists whose theories were built on assumptions and their observations of psych patients. The consensual part of SM (practiced by people in the BDSM lifestyle) has since been removed from the DSM and is not considered to be part of a mental disorder.
Top/bottom roles in a S&M scene.
🔹Sadist: takes pleasure in inflicting pain, cruelty or humiliation on others. Some sadists get the same gratification from watching others do those things. Is a Top role, and does not have to be sexual.
🔹Masochist: receives pleasure from physical and emotional pain. Most masochists will need a warm up at the beginning of the scene, and increase the pain as the scene plays out. When in the right mindset, they are able to turn the pain they receive into pleasure. This is a bottom role that does not need to be a sexual scene.
🔹Sadomasochist: A person who enjoys both inflicting and receiving pain or humiliation.
🔹Pain slut: a masochist that enjoys extreme mental, physical pain with no warm ups. They enjoy the actual pain and do not “turn” the pain to pleasure.
🔹SAM: (Smart-Ass Masochist) is a bottom who doesn’t want to submit, but rather challenges and/or annoys the Top in order to entice them into punishing the them.
🔹Spanker: A person who enjoys spanking others
🔹Spankee: A person who enjoys being spanked.
A good spanking should include the following
It is given with skill
It is done with the consent of the spankee
It is done with care and consideration
It hurts but not too much
It is done in a calm and controlled manner
🔹Degrader: The Top/Sadist shames or embarrass the bottom/masochist
🔹Degradee: The bottom/masochist is ashamed or embarrassed by the Top/Sadist words or actions.
🔺EDIT: I should have included a mention of cuckolding here. This is a mix of SM (because of the humiliation) and non-monogamy. I will go into more detail about the roles in cuckolding in part 7.
Humiliation and degradation play. This can range from gentle teasing to objectification. It is a form of Emotional Sadomasochism, and it can be pleasurable to all participants. The Top/Sadist seeks to shame or embarrass (humiliate) or reduce in status (degrade) the bottom/masochist during play. Degrading is saying things to lower their self esteem. It is intended to break down the person. This is not the same as enjoying being called a slut or whore, that is erotic humiliation. Examples degradation are force cross-dressing, small penis humiliation, dehumanizing into an animal slave, degrading names and insults like fat, ugly, stupid etc.
Here are different types of SM play, the scene can be based off of just one of these (like a spanking) or you can add it to other kinks you are planning in your scene. Make sure you have done your research about these kinks and have decided if YOU personally want to experience them (giving and/or receiving). Most of these kinks are dangerous and can really harm you (or even kill you) if done incorrectly.
In part 1 i went over the identities within a dynamic, in part 6 i will go over the roles that are kink/scene specific. Tops and bottoms are the participants in a scene where one or more kinks are performed. You do not have to be in a dynamic with the person you are in the scene with, and sex (at any level) is not a requirement. Your role can change with different scenes, partners or even during the scene. While typically the D-type will take on the Top role, and the s-type will take on the bottom, this does NOT have to be the case. The role in the scene has nothing to do with your position in your dynamic (if you choose to be in one). Any s-type can Top their D-type (with their consent of course). If there is any power exchange during the scene, it is temporary and ends at the end of the scene.
[Side note: This is where a lot of people get confused and consider themselves a switch. You are NOT a switch if you Top your D-type during certain kink/scenes]
Here are some kink/scene Top and bottom roles that did not fit with the other parts in this series. A lot of these are the ones that get confused with BDSM identities/positions, because of Fetlife and the infamous BDSM test blurring them together. These roles are kink specific, showing if you like to give, receive or are versatile to do both.
🔷Play Partners: The person you are in a scene with, usually ongoing and does not require a dynamic or vanilla relationship. The power exchange, if any, is limited and ends with the scene.
🔹Top: the person giving or leading the kink within a scene. The Top is usually capitalized, and listed to the left of the /.
🔹bottom: the person receiving or being led during a kink within a scene. The bottom is lower case and is listed to the right of the /.
🔹Service Top: A Top in a scene that is not receiving any power exchange, but is topping to give a kink or pleasure to the bottom (of the scene). For example a sub that tops their Dom in a scene.
🔹Switch: This term doesn’t really fit in the *roles/kinks* side of BDSM. Some will teach that it means to be able to top and/or bottom on some kinks. When discussing roles or kinks you can mention if you like to give or receive or can be versatile (both). Calling this a switch can get confusing because an actual switch is someone 〰️that can Dominate in one relationship and submit in another. If you are a sub that has a Dom that wants you to top them during a scene, you are NOT a switch. You are a sub that can top during a scene.
▪️Animal play: Someone that behaves and/or dresses like an animal. The principal theme of animal role play is usually the voluntary or involuntary reduction of a human being to an animal. Animal role play may or may not involve sexual activity. This can be done in a group, like a furry play party.
▪️Pet play: Only the bottom takes on the role of an animal, the Top remains human, and treats the bottom like a pet. The bottom might have ears or tail to match that animal, collar, water/food dish (eating and drinking on the floor), sleeping in a create or on a pet bed, using the bathroom similar to the pet (like outside, on a puppy pad or litter box)
▪️Pack: A group that identifies as Primal
▪️Alpha: The prime Top in a BDSM scene or pairing.
▪️Mate: Those who have formed a bond through primal play.
🔹Handler: A top during an animal play scene. They give instructions/orders to the pet/bottom. Most commonly with pups and ponies.
🔹pet: This is a bottom role in animal play. Like other role-playing activities, the extent of animal play depends on the preferences of the participants. Entry-level animal play may involve imitating the sounds of animals, crawling about on all fours, being hand-fed or petted, or wearing a collar. In more extreme cases, a human pet may wear masks or prosthetics or undergo bondage-based body modifications to more closely resemble the animal.
🔹ponyboy, ponygirl (see pet play): A bottom dressed in a harness, often very decorative, usually with a bit gag and a butt plug with a tail. Often they will pull their Top in a cart. Meetings and competitions are held for fans of this play.
🔹Furry: (see animal play) A furry can be a Top or bottom. The furry fandom is a subculture interested in anthropomorphic animal characters with human personalities and characteristics. A Furry is a person who identifies in an anthropomorphic role.
This is part of the Leather community
🔹Bootblack (Leather fam): A person who applies leather-care techniques to a pair of boots or other leather items. Bootblacking may be a gesture of submission, a part of military-style uniform play or part of boot worship, but it does not necessarily need to be part of a scene and may be a service given privately or publicly (at bars, clubs or events).(Fetlife glossary)
▪️Primal play is a type of BDSM play that focuses on raw feelings and actions of our natural impulses and urges.
🔹Primal Predator (Hunter): someone who seeks to hunt and attempt to capture prey.
🔹Primal prey: someone who seeks to be hunted by a predator.
🔹Brat tamer: a top that enjoys the acting out or having their buttons pushed by the bottom to the point where they either “attack” (a primal play response) or give them a punishment (the goal of a SAM, or punishment scene)
🔹Brat: is someone that pushes the boundaries and rules in a scene to get dominance and/or pain from their Top (tamer) . This is a form of primal play or pain play (SAM).
🔹Exhibitionist: is a fairly broad term as it includes everything from sexual acts performed in public to exposing oneself or another in public. Some people enjoy exposing themselves in public because of the shock value, others like the possibility of getting caught but don’t want to actually get caught. Make sure this is done ethically and with the consent of those around you.
🔹Voyeurs: A voyeur finds pleasure watching people engaging in private acts, including sex. This can be in a club/dungeon, or in private (consent is a must, no matter the location). This should also be done ethically and with the consent of those you are watching.
🔹Kinksters: Someone that enjoys kinks in BDSM, but doesn’t necessarily seek a power exchange dynamic or an identity in this lifestyle.
🔹Hedonist: Person with strong focus on pursuit of pleasure, especially the pleasures of the senses.
PART 7: ETHICAL NON-MONOGAMY
Ethical Non-monogamy (ENM) is having a romantic and/or physical relationship with more than one person. Everyone either knows each other, or that there are other partners, it all depends on what you and your partners are comfortable with. ENM is an umbrella term for swingers, cuckolds, poly, open relationship/marriage, casual dating and more. While this is not really part of the BDSM lifestyle, the two lifestyles do cross over a lot. Here are a few roles that some kinksters also take part in.
🔹Swingers: Traditionally this was couples that would swap partners with another couple. Now there is a huge party scene that meets up at homes or hotel rooms. Ethical swinging has a lot of rules to protect everyone’s health and respect their limits. Some groups or parties will now allow singles (not bringing a partner) to attend the parties. This is completely about sex, and less about the other partners. This alone is not part of the BDSM lifestyle, but there are some that enjoy mixing the two lifestyles.
▪️Cuckolding is a kink where typically one partner (Cuckoldress) has a sexual relationship with another more alpha partner (the bull). The other partner or cuck, enjoys the humiliation during this scene. This is a negotiated, consensual and desired from all partners. The humiliation can be verbally or just knowing your partner is engaging in “better” sex with the bull.
🔹Cuckold (male) cuckquean(female): They are the beta partner. It is someone who derives psychological masochistic pleasure from the humiliation they receive from watching (voyeur) their partner have sex with an alpha partner (bull). Sometimes the cuck is made to clean up the bulls mess as part of the humiliation. The humiliation is a key factor that separates this from Stag/vixen (hotwife).
🔹Cuckoldress: the partner to the cuck. They are allowed to have other partners (everything is consented) and use the sexual encounters to humiliate their cuck/partner with an alpha partner(s) (or bull). Along with the bull, they are exhibitionists.
🔹Bull: The 3rd party of a cuck fetish scene. They are usually picked because they are either better looking or better in bed than the cuck.
🔹Stag: This is a husband/partner that enjoys showing off and sharing their vixen wife/partner (aka ‘Hotwife’) with others. It is sexually similar to cuckolding and swinging except there is no swapping and no humiliation. The stag will either enjoy watching other people have sex with their partner (vixen) or they will join in.
🔹vixen (Hotwife): receives sexual gratification from other people, their partner (stag) is active in the selection of partners. Similar to cuck but without the humiliation, and no swapping so it’s not considered swinging.
🔹Bull: This is the same as the bull in the cuckold scene, except it differs the bull does not humiliate the stag. Everyone’s attention is usually on the vixen.
How does Ageplay differ from being a Little/Middle/Big?
For starters a “little” is an adult that has the personality and mindset of someone younger, childlike, they are the submissive in a BDSM dynamic. A middle has the mindset of a teenager, and a big would be early 20s. This is NOT a kink, it is their role!
A little that does NOT ageplay will NOT have a “little age”, that is characteristic of someone that ageplays. A little is in or looking for a “DD/lg” a “MD/lg” or “CG/lg” (or lb for little boy/boi) type of relationship dynamic. They prefer a Caregiver or a Daddy/Mommy Dom to serve since they usually have similar kinks and relationship goals. This part of the lifestyle is NOT incest or pedophilla, it’s always a relationship between consenting adults (18+).
Caregiver is a gender neutral term, and doesn’t have to be the “Dom” in the dynamic. A lot of times it is someone that helps them when ageplaying/little space and helps make sure they take their meds, drink water and eat healthy.
Ageplay is a form of role playing, you role play a different age or treat someone as if they were a different age. This isn’t always a role play, age regression is real, it is even used in hypnotic therapy to help with childhood trauma. You can role play someone older or younger, it can be sexual or non-sexual, but it has to be between consenting adults. Like all role playing activities ageplay can be a way to relieve stress, provide comfort and safety or help with emotional scars from their childhood. This is considered a “bottom” kink since submitting does not have to be part of the role playing.
During ageplay the goal is to hit “little space” this is different and not to be confused with “sub space”. Little space is the headspace the ageplayer gets into during the scene. The regression will vary with the person, various things can trigger going into little space, like coloring, your CG’s tone of voice, a cartoon/movie. Caregivers, ask your partners what types of things they enjoy doing when in little space, what things take them out of little space, and if they need anything special while in little space, never just assume. Diaper play can also be part of ageplay, but is not required.
Littles that do NOT ageplay do NOT go in and out of little space. They are always in some form of little space. IF you are a little and at any point you regress in age, regardless if you are aware of it or not you are ageplaying. Nothing wrong with that, because you can be both. I have personally dealt with the “littles” that know everything and push their lack of education on others, by trying to make them feel less of a little or sub.
•You can be a little and NOT ageplay.
•You can ageplay and NOT be a little.
•You can be BOTH.
•You can be an ABDL and NOT role play or NOT be a little or a sub, OR you can be all 3.
•You can be an AB (Adult baby) and NOT be into diapers.
•You can be into diapers and NOT be into AB or ageplay.
There are a lot of different combinations with littles and those that ageplay! Don’t judge others if they don’t ageplay like you, or if you thought you HAD to ageplay to be a little. I’ve noticed those that thought you HAD to ageplay (or have a littles age) to be a little, didn’t realize that ageplay doesn’t necessarily mean diapers and bottles.
Hopefully this has cleared up any confusion concerning littles and those that ageplay.
There are a lot of kinkster/BDSM community sites on the internet. One of the oldest, and most commonly used is Fetlife.com*. When first getting into the lifestyle and then joining Fet it can be really overwhelming. Take your time when filling out your profile, if you don’t understand something either ask a friend, bdsm forum, other kinksters on Fet or google it.
Here are some areas on Fetlife that are important to complete on your profile, and are important to look at when vetting someone else. We do change so it’s ok to update your role, what you are looking for and/or your kinks as often as you need to. The only right answers are the ones which are right for you, so be honest.
Your role helps people understand who you are at this moment within the BDSM lifestyle. A submissive is more than likely looking for some kind of Dom, while a masochist is probably looking for a Sadist. Research the various roles within BDSM, see which one fits you now. Please do not take the BDSM test to get role suggestions. That test is NOT accurate, I’ve taken it several times, given the same answers and I got different results.
How active are you? This lets people know what level of BDSM you are looking for. For example 24/7 means a very committed relationship with a lot of interaction, or “just the bedroom” means no kink outside of the scenes. What level do you require in your relationship?
What are you “looking for”? I personally have friendship and events ✔️ off. Meaning that’s all I use my profile for, I’m not looking for a relationship or play partner (but I still get those creepy mssgs asking to hook up). You can change them as you change and what you are looking for changes. There is no shame wanting what YOU want.
Another area that is important is the kinks. You can now list fetishes as the following, “into”, “curious about”, “soft limits”, and “hard limits” IF you are listing it as something you are into regardless if it’s giving, receiving or everything about it, you should have ACTUAL experience with that kink. Make sure you understand what the kink is before listing it under your fetishes. Do NOT make up your own definitions, or apply Vanilla meanings to the kinks. If you have CNC (Consensual Non-Consent) as an “into” fetish, for example, but you’ve never tried it you are misleading and can put yourself in a potentially dangerous spot. Most kinks aren’t really dangerous if you mislabeled them, but the ones that are considered edge play are VERY dangerous and even deadly so make sure you label them properly.
IF YOU HAVE NOT PHYSICALLY EXPERIENCED THE KINK, YOU NEED TO LIST IT AS “CURIOUS ABOUT” When talking to someone new, make sure you ask them about their “into” kinks, how much experience with each, the amounts of research and education they have put into the kink. This is all part of the vetting process to see if they are into the same kinks, and experienced enough for you to feel safe. The kinks or activities you will NOT do are listed as your “hard limit”. Those are not to be questioned or forced on you. The soft limits are kinks you are willing to try with more education or an experienced person.
Going through all of the kinks, looking up ones you’ve never heard of, or something you never thought of as a kink will help you grow as a kinky person. You will have a better understanding of your needs and how to communicate the desire for them. If something is a deal breaker, either you can not live without it or it’s a trigger or hard limit for you, list that in your profile.
These are just a few things to do so your Fetlife profile fits you as a kinky person. Make sure you read other member’s profiles to see who they are, what they are into, and what they are looking for BEFORE Sending a mssg. You can tell a lot by a person on fet that has nothing filled out, doesn’t respect your communicational terms, follows a ton of people but very few friends or has joined a lot of groups that are just sex related.
*we are not affiliated with Fetlife in any way. These are my opinions on having a successful experience on Fetlife.
*edit update. PrimalPiggy has a YouTube video up about setting your Fetlife profile up. He takes you step by step with various important areas. This will be a multi-part series. Click the link to go to our BDSM United YouTube channel.
A Safe Call is something that does not get talked about enough that’s for sure. For that reason I’m writing a quick note to explain why it’s so important, and the different options you have when planning your safe call. A safe call is when you call someone to let them know you are ok, and more importantly safe. You meet someone new (either at a munch or online) and this is either the first time meeting face to face, or first time alone-ish. Have several safe calls and text set up to make sure you make it home alive.
Have at least one person that will know who you are meeting, include a pic of them, their name, phone number and a screenshot of their fb or fetlife accounts (if applicable). It is also important they know the address and phone number of where you are meeting, if there will be a second location or change of plans, call (don’t text) your friend and let them know.
You should do this with every date or meeting until YOU feel safe. You should also set up safe words with your friend. These are so you can let your friend know you are scared, worried or in danger. For example, if at any point during the safe call I say “it looks like I will make it to church this Sunday” my friend knows something is definitely wrong. I’m not religious and that statement is not normally questioned. Now if I said I need to borrow their yellow dress, that is no joke, I’m not safe, call 911 and give them my location. I hate the color yellow and don’t wear dresses. Not alarming for those around you but your friend knows it’s serious.
Texting is not the best way to make or receive a safe call, because ANYONE could be using your phone. If you have to text instead of call, the text check-in can have key words or an emoji to let them know it is you.
We have established what and how..how about how often? They should be called on your way..hang up as you get to your location. About 10 minutes later have your friend call you. Let your date know you will be answering the phone. If they are legit they will know what a safe call is, and respect it! If not, that is a HUGE red flag!! Depending on how safe you feel, and the length of time you’ve known your date you can add more or less check ins. I would include at least two more calls, one to let them know you are finished with the date and safe in your car headed home, and last to say you made it home.
When meeting someone new DO NOT meet them alone, in a secluded area like their house, your house, or the park. This could mean your life!
DO NOT play on your first meet! They need to earn your trust! Once you are tied and gagged you aren’t getting free on your own.
IF you are meeting at the local dungeon, or during a munch, let the DM or host know this is a first meet. If you know anyone also attending the munch let them know this is a first meet. When I host a munch, I will speak to their date to get a feel for them and let them know if I get a bad vibe from them.
I would even restrict your social info until you know this person better. Your cell number is a pain to get changed, as well you can’t just up and move if they start showing up unannounced. Snapchat has a map with your actual location shown, including street name. They don’t need to see pics of your kids, or where you work, or if you live alone.
I know it seems so scary to do all of that just to meet a potential Dom/me or sub. More than likely you won’t need the safecalls or have your friends call for help but evil stuff does happen, and some people are fake and abusive. It’s better to plan and be safe than have no one to call and you know you’re not going to live through this.
Here are some other suggestions to help keep you safe:
• Make sure your phone is charged, bring a wire, plug and backup battery.
•Have a lock on your phone (either face, fingerprint or code)
A submissive is a role in the BDSM community, it is to the right of the /. There are several types of submissives, different levels if you will. One is not better than the other, just different. Different in many ways including the amount of control you give to your Dominant, and even what type of Dominant you might be looking for. A sub can be a boy/boi, girl, gender fluid or gender neutral or trans (or any that i have forgotten) All sexualities and gender identities are also included in being a submissive.
I’ve done many years of research on the various roles in this lifestyle, I am writing the following to break down what the sub roles are and to help decide what type of submissive you might be. This is my opinion drawn up from years of personal experiences, talking with other educators in the lifestyle, reading lots of notes about the various submissive roles. You do not have to decide just one, you can be some of one and more of another. You might also change roles completely as you grow in the lifestyle or if you change partners.
Bottom. A bottom is technically not a submissive at all, but we class them under subs because they are in the s-role in a scene. I am not saying submissives are better than bottoms, this isn’t a race so calm down. A bottom is there to experience the scene, NOT to submit. They are not necessarily sexual with the Top in the scene, but can be. A bottom would be the prey role in a primal scene, or the masochist in a S/m scene. We would also classify a S.A.M. (Smart ass masochist) as a bottom. They use bratty behavior to be anywhere from teasing to down right rude to their Top to get a sadistic primal reaction from the Top. They want pain and want to be put in their place and won’t give that up easily.
Service Submissives A service sub is less about sex and more about doing chores for their Dom. Some will dress up in a maid uniform or completely naked. They enjoy providing services for the D-figure. This role is usually not sexual at all, but of course that is acceptable if both parties agree to the terms. Dommes will have their service subs serve tea to other Dommes during a traditional tea party.
Sexual Submissive A sexual sub is similar to a bottom, with the exception they do submit, but only during the scene. They are also known as bedroom submissives. Again one is not better than the other. These submissive are usually very busy or have kids so it is not ideal to be naked, kneeling and awaiting their next order. A lot of times this is what married couples will do to spice up their marriage. I have known some that were so strong willed outside of the bedroom that this was their only time to let go and be free to float about subspace.
Internet Submissive An internet sub is one that experiences all things online. They usually use some mssg service, phone calls and video calls to spend time with or scene with their partner. They usually never meet their Dom/Domme, or play in real time* (Real time instead of real life bc real life implies that online is not real life). With some this is all they want, for whatever personal reason they don’t want to take it to real time, others can’t either bc of their location, job or just not confident enough to take it to the next step. There is a huge community of online only kinksters on various sites. I cannot suggest any websites besides FetLife bc I am not an online sub, and would not want to put anyone at risk. I have spoken with some that have experienced subspace from an intense phone call from their Master,
Littles A little is a submissive that has a childlike attitude and view on life. A sub normally serves their Dom, but in a CG/L a little is taken care of by their Caregiver(CG). Even though it looks like its reverse and the little is in charge, they are not. The CG wants and needs to take care of their little, it’s in their nature and fulfilling to them. There are times where the little does serve their CG, during a scene or by completing a task. The littles usually likes to have fun play dates with coloring and stuffies. Littles and their CG are NOT into pedophilia and/or incest. Their Daddy is not their biological father or pretending to be. The Daddy/Mommy role is more of a caregiver, emotional supportive, a cheerleader and Dominant. A lot of people lately have been putting age play and being a brat as a requirement to be a little. NOT all littles age play, and not all those that age play are littles (or even a submissive). You can age play (or regress into little space) AND be a little BUT it is not required. So those littles that don’t age play won’t have a “little age”
Being bratty is a behavior NOT a role, and is not normally part of being a little. Besides some light “picking” and teasing, a little does as they are told. The bratty behavior belongs with a SAM which is a bottom. You can be a little with bratty tendencies (SAM tendencies to be correct) the little side is who you are in your dynamic, the SAM part should only come out in a scene, since that characteristic is part of a bottom. “Funishments” are wrongly placed as a little thing. They are bratty to get a fun-punishment. This is completely incorrect. A SAM will be bratty and disrespectful to get pain or a spanking from their Top. No submissive, littles included want to be punished or disrespect their CG.
Submissive A sub is someone that enjoys giving up control in exchange for pleasure in serving their Dom/me. They follow the negotiated rules set out by the D-figure, and agree to a punishment if they break a rule or are disrespectful. Normally a submissive will have a safe word, even during punishment. Their Dominant will also ask for and consider the subs input and opinions about a scene or different kink, especially if they haven’t explored it together before. While the Dom has control, and the final say so, the sub does have a voice in this dynamic.
Slave A slave is the submissive in a Master/slave relationship. This relationship is built on trust, yes the others are as well, but M/s is VERY strict. Once the vetting process is over, the negotiation period will begin. Some of the old guard have collars for each stage of an M/s. During this negotiation stage you will be “under consideration” meaning the Master will be going over various rules, scenes, kinks, limits and punishments they expect you to follow if you decide to submit. You have a voice during this time, so use it. If there is anything you don’t like, can’t do, don’t want to do etc speak up and negotiate. This is how the contract is made. I suggest a 9-12 months of being under consideration bc once the contract is signed, you belong to them. No not legally, and yes you can walk away. It won’t hold up in any court. Doing so without a just reason will make you look bad in the eyes of the community. The Master is not allowed to cross any hard limits, and while technically you don’t have a safe word, there should be an emergency word if your health is in question.
I hope breaking down the various types of submissive will help you get a better understanding of the lifestyle but also yourself. While we don’t want everyone in a box with a label, there are some guidelines you should follow when discovering the submissive in you.
Kink of the Monthis a monthly subscription box, ran by a husband and wife kinkster couple. They wanted to spread the love of kink & adult toys to like minded people, or those just dipping a toe in.
There is a theme for each month, and that theme will decide what type of adult toys or kink related item (like rope) you will receive. The number of items and the boxes worth will vary from month to month. For only $49.99 (+state taxes and shipping) a month they will create and ship you a box of adult goodies. I can see lots of toys and kink experiences in everyone’s future. As of right now this is only available for those in the US.
When signing up, please check out the FAQ area for info on dates to order new box, shipping info etc etc. You will also be able to customize your box to fit your gender, if you’re single/in a relationship and your partners gender.
April’s theme is good vibrations…and you prolly guessed it, everything vibrates. My box was for a M/f couple. I received the follow items.
1. Evolved™️ Love is Back Fusion Edition, it’s waterproof dual headed massager. Takes 4 AAA (included in the box)
2. Doc Johnson The Mystical mushroom from the Wonderland series it’s a silicone vibrating cock ring.
3. California Exotic Novelties Silhouette S19 premium silicone with 5 functions and triple motors. USB rechargeable and 100% waterproof.
4. Pipdream’s PDX Elite Vibrating Stroker (shown in pic)
Boxes may vary depending on quantity of various toys. The box came in a plain discreet box, so nosy family or neighbors won’t know your lil secret.
The products are wrapped in a black paper sealed with a sticker. It’s also filled with shredded purple paper to cushion the toys.
I personally loved the extras, it shows class and that they take pride in their boxes.
This is a great way to build up a toy box for those just starting out, that don’t want to pay full price, or even experienced kinksters that want to try new types of kinks or toys. I can’t wait for next month.
Theme Of The Month For May: Estim/Electrostimulation
There is no room in Poly or BDSM for lies. Lies will destroy all types of relationships. Don’t let the lies make you question yourself, or your worth. This isn’t just about Dominants either, trust me I know some submissives that are just as guilty.
IF you care so little about that person, end the relationship, in a respectful way. How you handle yourself during situations like this will reflect on reputation, as it should. As a community, we should watch out for this type of deceitful behavior, and protect those that have unfortunately been trapped in a web of lies.
Those that are being lied to, seek help from a member in the community, in real life or on line. Get out of your situation, especially if it’s abusive (mental, physical or sexual). Afterwards, take this time to grow as a person in the community because you never know when you might be returning the favor.
Those types of people, especially the ones that lie and don’t care about the persons well being, are not true to the lifestyle, don’t deserve respect or any self given title (usually Master).
I personally have experienced this, was told there was no one else, when there was. Which is why most people think poly means you can and are cheating. To protect all members in the relationship, be upfront and honest about your other relationship(s)/partner(s). I was also lied to about where he was and who he was with, when he was suppose to be with me. I questioned myself when he wouldn’t own up to his actions, instead of questioning him for not being an actual Dom. I hope my experience can shed some light on how cancerous a single lie can be. Also those that are being lied to, DONT allow them to break you, DONT buy into their bullshit. Walk away, with your head high, because you are better than them, deserve better AND will find better.
When first discovering the BDSM/Poly lifestyle, it would be wise to go in with an open mind and a closed mouth (you will learn more listening instead of talking). Also there is not a “how-to” BDSM manual, so that means you have to actually put in the time and effort to educate yourself. Educating yourself will help you get a better understanding of the LS, the various kinks (and if we want to make that a hard limit). By using that knowledge you have empowered yourself against the predators you WILL encounter while looking for a S\o, online chatting, or even at your local munches.
YKNMK (your kinks not my kink): The beautiful thing about our lifestyles is we shouldn’t be judged for what turns us on. A kink might not be about your pleasure, it might be about your S/o’s pleasure, or to show your submission to that person. With that in mind make sure limits and safe words have been set, discussed, and of course honored BEFORE playing.
Do not allow anyone to convince you to do something that is illegal, harmful to yourself or others, or one of your hard limits. That person is not looking out for your well being (mental or physical), has great potential to be a predator and does not respect you as a person or partner.
Be true to yourself by already educating yourself about the lifestyles, have a safe word picked out, hard limits set (kinks as well) and also deside what do you want out of the lifestyle, yourself, and your partner. Do NOT jump in this lifestyle, and allow others to pressure you into anything you are against, or tell you you’re “fake” because you do not kink like they do. Always be true to yourself, seek happiness and play safe.
The owner of SinsualSteel, Ray, and I discussed what product should i review for his business, and also give to one of the WCDT (Whips, Chains & Duct Tape) fans. There was one i was interested, had been for a while now, the “Mini Rattan Scourge”. Ray promised me sting (i’m a lover of sting, hate thud) even from this “little” guy.
When i received my package, i was beyond excited, i mean who doesn’t like new toys?!?!?! I pulled out the MINI rattan scourge (around 16” inches long) I totally giggled. All i could think was Ray has lost his mind, THIS is going to sting.
Let me just set the record straight on a few things. 1. NEVER judge a book by its cover and 2. NEVER doubt Ray!! Playtime was scheduled a few days later..
My Play Partner said that he had the same first impression , once he started swinging it, we both changed our minds rather quickly.. He said that because of its short size it was very stiff, which prevents “wrap-around” (curving or extending around at the edges or sides.). The smaller size allows you quick precision strikes, also great for the more sensitive parts of my body. The size of this toy allows you to bring it with you almost all the time, for a quick play time spanking, or for those that are naughty and need to be put in their place.
Being the masochist, and on the receiving end of this “mini” spanking toy, i must say i was shocked at the level of sting. I also liked it because it’s small, i was able to be in his arms while he spanked me, most of the longer canes are too big for that. It felt like a hand of canes, i felt each and every since one but then the punch (that still stayed very stingy). I bruised very nicely on my butt and boobs, and also floated off to subspace.
I have ordered the regular size Scourge which is 24” long, to compare the regular size and the mini, which will be my next review.
Ray takes pride in his product, enjoys helping customers with questions and also enjoys making new items that us masochist fall in love with.
If you have any questions you can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org
IF you have questions for Ray, you can find him on etsy at: https://www.etsy.com/shop/SinsualSteel