Topping from the Bottom

“Topping from the bottom” (TFTB) is when the person in the s-type position takes control of the power exchange by manipulation & disobedience. TFTB can be intentional with the “sub” purposely breaking the rules, doing a task incorrectly, and acting disrespectful. The s-type will do this to gain control, get out of doing a task or to get “punished”. This is not submissive behavior, and depending on how it is done, I personally look at it as predator behavior. If a D-type manipulates a s-type to get what they want, regardless of the rules that were negotiated, we would label that as a huge red flag. The s-type should be held accountable for their actions, just as any D-type would. 

TFTB can happen unintentionally as well, especially with newbies. A new Dom might enter a dynamic with a more experienced submissive. It would only make sense for the s-type to help their D-type, except the s-type is manipulating the D-type to be *their* D-type not *a* D-type. It’s ok to show them articles, suggest websites/books/groups, or introduce them to other D-types. They must learn on their own, forming their own thoughts and opinions. If you influence that, you are manipulating the dynamic to go your way, which puts you in control. 

Another way someone can unintentionally TFTB is when they lack vetting & negotiations, but submit anyway.  The s-type submits without negotiating and now they have rules/tasks they know they dont want to do, or even can’t do. The s-type will TFTB to get out of those rules or tasks, again manipulating the dynamic to go their way. For some reason a lot of newbies think there is this set of rules we all follow, we all have the same tasks, and the same punishments. This is not true. Rules, tasks & punishments are personal to that dynamic. 

When you are vetting for a D-type, you are equal, there are no rules or punishments. Those happen AFTER negotiations are completed, submission is offered and then accepted. The D-type does have to earn the s-types submission, don’t forget, the s-type has to earn the D-types dominance as well. 

If you TFTB on purpose, stop calling yourself a s-type, there is nothing submissive about TFTB. An s-type’s job in this lifestyle is to serve their D-type, not manipulate their D-type to serve them. If it’s unintentional, stop what you are doing and communicate what you are feeling, and then educate yourself better. The dynamic does not have to end, but I suggest renegotiating the terms of the dynamic.  

For those of you that are thinking “well my D-type lets me TFTB”, that is totally ok, you can do what you want. You are NOT a sub, you do not have a BDSM dynamic and are role playing a s-type to a D-type that has no clue what a BDSM dynamic should look like.


In 1969 BDSM was given its name. Usually looked at as B,D, & SM. This covered all areas of BDSM back then. You were into some form or combo of bondage, a disciplinary/power exchange type dynamic, and/or give/receive pain. If you were not into the D aspect, you were there for the sex and kink (SM). In the 90s, the internet changed a few things in this lifestyle. One being that BDSM became B/D, D/s & S/m. The D-type/s-type dynamic was unnecessarily added to the acronym. The D in BDSM stands for discipline, and that is where the power exchange is. We give our D-type the power to discipline us. Discipline is when the D-type trains the s-type to act or behave in a specified agreed upon way. This is often enforced with reward/punishment to encourage certain behavior to continue, or changes that need to be made. You do not have to have a reward system or have punishments as part of your dynamic. How you handle your s-type when discipline has failed is up to you as the D-type, and what the s-type has consented to. 

This small change really doesn’t matter, it doesn’t change what BDSM is. Just unnecessary, and redundant. Had someone actually done research on what the D meant, D/s would not have been added.

Power submissive is NOT a thing.

Learned a new BDSM term today. Well not an actual term, a term made up by someone that has no clue about BDSM, the symbolism in BDSM, or the understanding of basic definitions.

Power Submissive.

Yes you read that correctly. This isn’t even a brat thing. Which I could see them claiming, goes with the whole alpha sub. This is when a powerful person (basically a person in control in their vanilla life) submits in the bedroom only. Vanilla relationship outside of the bedroom/scene. 

I tried helping the one that commented using this word as their identity in the lifestyle, but they insisted I was telling them how to do their dynamic and was wrong because that’s what they agreed to. 🤦🏻‍♀️The “sub” claims that bc they have a busy career, and they are in power, that submitting in bed is the same as being a sub, bc there is power exchange going on. <breathe Jen, breathe>

Here is why this word is not a BDSM term, it’s a pointless word anyways, since we have a term for what is being described already, a bottom.

In the scenes there is a temporary power exchange between the Top and bottom. Being dominated by your Top can be part of the scene, being submissive to your Top can be part of a scene. You are role playing, you’re not really a Dom or sub bc of those actions in a scene. The small amount of temporary power exchange that you experienced in that scene is not the same as a power exchange in a dynamic. 

If you personally only scene with your D-type, your D-type IS your Top, and your Top IS your D-type. Same with bottom and s-type. Pretty easy to remember and understand. We separate the dynamic from the scene when explaining certain things in the BDSM lifestyle because you can scene with other people than your D-type/s-type and you can take on the other side of the slash / in a scene from your dynamic position. Simply put, being a Top does not mean you’re a Dom, and being a bottom does not mean you are a sub.

You must do the actions defined by the words to be considered a D-type, s-type, Top or bottom. 

You can only want kink which is a Top or bottom, that does not take away from who you are in this lifestyle. Anyone that is involved in a scene is a Top/bottom, which is most of us. So many think it’s an insult, or you are “less BDSM” if you are *only* into the kink part. The B, S & M part of BDSM is strictly kink related. If you want a dynamic and no kink, that’s ok too. There will be some level of power exchange, and a somewhat vanilla sex life, with no kink activities (or no sex at all). You can have both dynamic & kink, or neither/vanilla. 

I can be the Top in a scene with my Dom, my rules and guidelines are still in play, I must respect my Dom’s limits and consent. I’m still the sub, He is still the Dom. It’s role playing. We could role play “M/s”, that does not mean i am a slave or He is my Master, it was a temporary power exchange during a scene, once the scene is over you go back to the previous negotiated terms. If you have a vanilla relationship in everyday life, that is power neutral, or no power exchange. You can have kink in your relationship, all the kinks you want, if there is NO power exchange in the dyanmic (which is everything outside of the scene, kink, sex, and “bedroom” activities.) you do not have a BDSM dynamic. 

The dynamic is the D-type/s-type BDSM relationship.

Top/bottom is the scene, kink, sex etc…”bedroom only” activities. One has nothing to do with the other. BOTH are valid, and respected within Traditional BDSM, as it should be. Educate yourself on what words mean. This lifestyle is already set up, and working just fine without some new generation “words mean nothing” thinking. 

*i just want to clear up a definition that was put in the comments (by the person that claims the term could of been “power bottom” and not power sub.) Power bottom is a term used in the gay community. its for the gay man that receives, but instead of being passive or submissive like they are aggressive and dominant in their own way. That has nothing to do with the BDSM lifestyle, even if that couple was a D/s the term doesn’t translate over into BDSM. The only thing that comes close to that is topping from the bottom, where the bottom is trying to take control. the difference is TFTB is disrespectful and being a power bottom in the gay community is not.

Punishments and Funishments

Punishment & funishment.

We see those words used a lot in BDSM forums and most of the time they are used incorrectly. Funishments are not something acknowledged or practiced by Traditional BDSM.

A punishment is an action as a result of disobeying an order or rule. A punishment is not supposed to be enjoyed or desired by the submissive (or the Dominant). A punishment should not be part of a scene or lead into a scene. A consensual spanking is NOT a punishment. It is simply impact play. A scene is not a punishment either. IF you want a spanking, ask for it, you should not “act up” to get one. A D-type can use spankings as a punishment type, if agreed upon during negotiations, but there are many other options.

During a punishment, the s-type should know what they did wrong, have questions answered (if needed), discuss what the desired behavior should look like, and how to achieve it next time. After the punishment, there is aftercare (can vary between dynamics and what was negotiated) the D-type forgives the s-type, and it is dropped.

A punishment scene is a negotiated scene where some form of punishment is consensually given to the bottom. They do not have to “act up” to get the “punishment” as this is role playing. For example a student getting paddled by a principal, or a prisoner getting whipped by a guard. A punishment scene is great for kinksters that enjoy pain, being degraded or humiliated, begging, edge/fear role play.

Funishments or “fun punishments” are similar to punishment scenes/role playing, but are set up incorrectly. The bottom will “act up” or break a rule (outside of a scene) because they want to be “punished” by the Top. Usually meaning they want a spanking, then to be handled roughly during sex. Simulating a punishment is where the Top/bottom will role play. This is NOT a real punishment. Even though the behavior to receive the punishment is real, and deserves a real punishment, the punishment will be simulated. This will lead to sex, and that is what they consider a scene.

Please do not comment that your D-type “allows” you to “break” certain rules, to receive a funishment. IF you are allowed to break that rule, it’s not a rule. If you like role playing a punishment scene, call it what it is, role playing.

Frenzy in BDSM

Frenzy in the lifestyle is very real and very dangerous. Tops, bottoms, S-types, D-types, newbies, and even experienced people can get caught up in frenzy. No one is safe from frenzy.
Frenzy is when you want to do it, NOW, it can be a kink, all the kinks, submitting or dominating. You just want to wrap yourself up in BDSM. Even if you don’t really know or understand what BDSM is all about.
Why is wanting to do all the things bad? Well frenzy is kind of like going a little mad. You ignore yellow flags, red flags, do kinks without vetting the play partner, do kinks without proper education on the kink and safety measures needed, you jump into a dynamic without really knowing anything about this lifestyle or the person you just enter a dynamic with.
This happens mostly to newbies, everything is just so new and exciting, how can you not want to do it all.
It can also happen to someone that has been in the lifestyle a little longer when they discover new kinks, their dynamic ends or partner passes away, moving to a different area that has a dungeon or established community.
During frenzy is usually when someone gets hurt either physically or emotionally. It can happen during a scene or by entering a dynamic that is either poorly matched up or with someone that is a predator.

What are some things that have worked for you to keep the frenzy from getting out of hand?



Self-collaring is where the s-type will collar themselves. This is usually done to express self-love, taking ownership of their own submission (after a bad relationship) to help heal and ground themselves before getting back into looking for a D-type. This is fairly new, and for the most part only recognized by the “new generation”.

I can understand, and even back up the motive behind self-collaring. Sometimes you do need to heal, and love yourself a little more. That isn’t special, it’s pretty standard in every lifestyle, vanilla included. I do NOT back up the actual act of “self-collaring” or referring to an item as a collar if you bought it yourself, for yourself.

This is NOT collaring. IF a D-type did not give you the collar, it’s not a collar, it’s a piece of jewelry. Collaring is a symbol of ownership from D-type to a s-type. It can also show the commitment and dedication the D-type has to their s-type and their dynamic. The s-type accepts the collar as a symbol of being owned by that D-type, they are not allowed to serve another (without the permission of the D-type).

There are certain things within the lifestyle that are sacred, a collar is one of them. Not just the collar but also who gives it to whom, who owns it and the meaning behind it and this is not up for debate.

There are other types of collars like training, consideration, protection and play. These are all valid collars, they all mean something a little different, but the bottomline is the same. Dom owns it, the sub earns it and is honored to receive it.

I would like to add, not everyone wants to collar someone or be collared by someone. It is a personal preference. Collars should not be taken lightly, it should be looked at as a serious and lifetime commitment. You can serve your D-type without a collar, and you can dominate your s-type without ever collaring them. Just like some people don’t want to get married, but they still date and have legit valid relationships.

Respect the history, traditions and rituals of BDSM. It has helped shape the Traditional BDSM we talk about in this group. Do yourself a favor and do lots of research and if you don’t understand ask an educator of BDSM.

Is there one “twue” way in BDSM?

By Primal Piggy of WCDT

“In the BDSM community, many people have fixed ideas about how a dominant or submissive should behave and attempt to inflict their opinions on others. They disparage others by saying ‘if you were a true dom you’d do x’. The others in turn disparage them by calling them ‘twue’ (a supposedly effeminate version of true).” – Urban Dictionary

When we educate about brats and bratting we always get someone who accuses us of being a “one twue way” person, page, or group. This is something called the invincible ignorance fallacy where the person in making this statement simply refuses to believe the teaching, ignoring any evidence given. Instead they offer, “There’s no one way to do anything in BDSM!”

We try to make it a point to say that within any negotiated, consensual relationship you can do things however you like, BUT WHEN WE ARE TEACHING we are going to teach the definition of words and how things fit according to traditional principles of BDSM. Still though, no matter what we say or teach they will disagree. They are going to be willfully ignorant regardless.

I’m not trying to give a lesson in formal debates but there is one other notable fallacy that usually comes up with these types of topics: The bandwagon fallacy assumes something is true (or right or good) because others agree with it. In other words, the fallacy argues that if enough people think a certain way, then you should, too.

One problem with this kind of reasoning is that the broad acceptance of a claim or action doesn’t mean that it’s factually justified. People can be mistaken, confused, deceived, or even willfully irrational in their opinions, so using them to make an argument is flawed.

Just because numerous pages, groups and websites exist that teach wrong information especially about brats and bratting does not mean we need to jump on the bandwagon. We have a clear basis for why we teach what we do: tradition.

In our group BDSM Education Group, We’ve spent all this month teaching about Old Guard. If you’ve read the posts you realize that none of us are Old Guard these days. But what we are is Traditional, meaning we draw principles from our BDSM past and form a philosophy of how to do BDSM based on those principles. Our history goes back nearly 80 years, there are things that have proven to be reliable and trustworthy. There are things which work well that we can draw from our past.

There is BDSM that works and other stuff that, when added, makes BDSM fall apart. We are trying to give people the tools to have good, lasting relationships and relationship dynamics. There is not one true way, but there is a good direction to go.

Who has the power in a BDSM dynamic?

Who has the power in a D/s dynamic? This has been a heated topic for some years. The discussion is usually accompanied with a pic of a Dom holding a leash with the sub attached to it, with the caption “Who here has the power?” Is it the Dom? He does hold the leash. How about the submissive? How can they have the power if they are on their knees being led around by the Dom..but wait isn’t our submission a gift, a gift they have to earn and we can take back at any time. Right? Well…no, not it’s not a gift. 

A gift is something you give expecting nothing in return. It is also something you don’t take back. Our submission is not a gift because we expect a Dom to do what a Dom does or we aren’t happy. Our submission is a negotiated power exchange.

Dominants have limits, safewords, need aftercare and deserve to be treated with respect. They have the power to call the scene, walk away from a toxic dynamic and release the sub if they do not behave in the manner that was negotiated. 

I believe this discussion, along with other misleading information has led to toxic thinking about control within the BDSM dynamics. The Dominants must be strong enough to handle the submissive’s worst behavior, while only displaying healthy respectful trustworthy behaviors in return. Read that again.

A submissive does not have to obey or agree to any punishments given to them by a potential Dom, that does NOT mean you can just run all over this person and treat them like shit and expect them to take your submission.

A Dominant earns your submission by showing you what type of person they are, their viewpoints on the lifestyle, their goals for you as their sub and the dynamic with you.
 The same should be expected of the submissive, they earn the Dom’s dominance.

Imagine if the Dom you were vetting treated you like crap, disrespecting you in public, didn’t care about your mental health, basically the opposite behavior we are looking for in our Dom. THAT is the behavior these “subs” are not only having, but also having other people think this is how it works.

In a sub group, a “sub” actually commented the following…with lots of others agreeing with them “My Dom must earn my submission daily, no matter how many times I talk back or break the rules. I don’t want a weak ass Dom, a sub like me needs a strong Dom!”

Let’s break down what they said..a Dom does have to earn your submission, BUT you have to earn their dominance. Once you have submitted, the Dom has your submission as long as they don’t cross any lines that were set up in the negotiation process, so they don’t have to “earn” your submission anymore, they have it. A dominant does not have to stay in the dynamic if the submissive is not behaving in the fashion agreed upon previously either. They aren’t looking for a real Dom, especially not a strong one, so for the doms that do not want a sub with this mentality, you are NOT weak, or soft.

In a healthy well negotiated BDSM dynamic both the Dom and the sub have the power, they have the power to invest time and energy into each other in order to make a successful D/s dynamic. Yet they also have the power to make it toxic, and fail miserably. Once the contract is signed, they both still have the power, hopefully they will use that power to grow closer to one another and become better people as a result. Instead of figuring out who has the power, who is in control etc..why not invest your time and energy into vetting and negotiating with a potential partner to increase your chances of having a healthy and successful relationship.

Establishing Kinks and Limits

In our BDSM Education Group we have started the series called “Establishing kinks and limits”. Here is part one. Join the group to get first access to other parts and a BDSM checklist that i personally created.
📢 When requesting to be part of the group, you have to answer all questions and agree to the rules. Thanks.

Part 1: Introduction to this series

In this series, we are going to go over the differences between kinks, fetishes and limits (hard and soft). The hard limits that should be on everyone’s list, and things that aren’t kinks (but have been made into kinks).

We will be discussing the importance of educating yourself about kinks (even if you are not into them) to establish your own personal limits and kinks list. These should be established well before ever vetting or negotiations begin, as it is a tool used in the vetting process. Do you know how often you should revisit your checklist and update it?

We will go over what is kink shaming, and how to avoid it when discussing kinks you’re not into. Also what kink shaming is not, i’ve been accused of kink shaming when saying brats are not a s-type. They have it half right, it is a kink, but im kink correcting not shaming.

If you have spent any time around people in this lifestyle, you might have heard the phrase “pushing your limits”. What limits are they talking about, and what do they mean by pushing my limits? I feel like the phrase “pushing my limits” has lost its meaning in a scene, and is entering a dangerous zone for the bottoms of the scene.

At the end of this series, I will be posting a BDSM checklist. Not just a kink checklist bc there is so much more to this lifestyle than just the kinks. In doing research for this, I’ve noticed that a lot of the checklists are mostly about different types of sex (in what hole, with what thing and by who) and then some kinks and fetishes. Very little, if at all, about activities, restrictions or services in the dynamic or punishments when breaking the rules. No wonder people on the outside think this is all about sex. As a part of this series I will be going over the kinks listed on the checklist, including any tools needed for that kink and important safety info on that kink. As a group we can discuss it, share experiences and ask questions. This will give you a better understanding of the kink so you can mark your checklist correctly.
I will be including these areas in the checklist:
🔹Relationship style (ie: monogamous)
🔹Relationship types (ie: D/s)
🔹Level of power exchange
🔹Service and restrictive behaviors, punishments
🔹And lastly Sex

There are risks in every kink that we do, we educate and communicate to lower the risk for any type of harm. Edge play is a group of kinks that should not be done by newbies, as there is a great potential for permanent harm (physical and mental) and death. For safety reasons I will be including a section on Edge play, please do not take these kinks lightly. A lot of these kinks are not allowed to be discussed in groups, at dungeons or play parties because of the risks involved. You aren’t a bigger kinkster if you are into these kinks, or less than if you think they are too risky. I do want to make you aware of them, and the risks they have, avoiding the discussion will only make the risk greater. Education is power.

The series will include the following parts.
Establishing kinks and limits
Part 1: Introduction to this series
Part 2: Kinks, Limits and Fetishes
Part 3: What is kink shaming? How to avoid it when discussing a kink?
Part 4: Extreme kinks like edge play
Part 5: Importance of establishing kinks and limits. (Review them often)
Part 6: What does it mean to “push my limits” and who can push them?
Part 7: How to fill out the kink checklist.

The Collector

A Collector

There are a ton of different types of predators within the BDSM lifestyle. This is why we push for everyone to educate themselves (before getting involved with a partner), communicate about everything (asking questions) and trust your gut. Use common sense!! Join education group on either fb or fetlife, ask other members of this lifestyle if something sounds weird or off. Get involved with your local community, and attend munches. Ask the d-type questions, ask the same questions again to see if their story changes, ask for references if they’ve been in the lifestyle for any amount of time. Check out their social media for (especially Fet) to see if their story lines up with what they are telling you.

Today I want to bring to your attention a “collector”, it’s a predator that disguises as a D-type, that likes to collect subs.
Not to be confused with an Ethical Non-monogamous dynamic, there is nothing ethical about a collector. A collector does not care about the lifestyle, or about the submissives they are trying to collect. This is a sick game for them to take advantage of someone either new, low self esteem or in sub frenzy. They are literally a walking red flag!
The D-type will know just enough about BDSM to look experienced and knowledgeable BUT doesn’t actually have any experience or REAL knowledge about anything in this lifestyle. A lot of times they will “appoint” an alpha (meaning the lead sub in a poly dynamic) to find newbie submissives. If this is an on-line only dynamic the predator dom can convince the subs to send them money, pics/videos or personal information. In person, they can do that as well, but they can also mentally/physically abuse you, rape, steal your personal items, or even hold you against your will.

A friend of mine met a “dom” online, moved in with him right away (against my warnings) he held her hostage (along with 6 other subs) for months. He made them do drugs so they would be more complacent, stole everything from them (including money sent by family), a friend of hers had to break into his house and physically remove her. She hadn’t eaten in a few days (she’s diabetic) and was drugged out of her mind (she never did drugs before this)…
She wasn’t super new to the lifestyle, but she was desperate to find a D-type to submit to. If she hadn’t been rescued, she could have died from many different things. All of the subs that were being held at that house ran away that day, thankfully.