Fetlife 101: Setting Up Your Profile

There are a lot of kinkster/BDSM community sites on the internet. One of the oldest, and most commonly used is Fetlife.com*. When first getting into the lifestyle and then joining Fet it can be really overwhelming. Take your time when filling out your profile, if you don’t understand something either ask a friend, bdsm forum, other kinksters on Fet or google it.

Here are some areas on Fetlife that are important to complete on your profile, and are important to look at when vetting someone else. We do change so it’s ok to update your role, what you are looking for and/or your kinks as often as you need to. The only right answers are the ones which are right for you, so be honest.

Your role helps people understand who you are at this moment within the BDSM lifestyle. A submissive is more than likely looking for some kind of Dom, while a masochist is probably looking for a Sadist. Research the various roles within BDSM, see which one fits you now. Please do not take the BDSM test to get role suggestions. That test is NOT accurate, I’ve taken it several times, given the same answers and I got different results.

How active are you? This lets people know what level of BDSM you are looking for. For example 24/7 means a very committed relationship with a lot of interaction, or “just the bedroom” means no kink outside of the scenes. What level do you require in your relationship?

How active are you?

What are you “looking for”? I personally have friendship and events ✔️ off. Meaning that’s all I use my profile for, I’m not looking for a relationship or play partner (but I still get those creepy mssgs asking to hook up). You can change them as you change and what you are looking for changes. There is no shame wanting what YOU want.

Check off the ones you are looking for.

Another area that is important is the kinks. You can now list fetishes as the following, “into”, “curious about”, “soft limits”, and “hard limits” IF you are listing it as something you are into regardless if it’s giving, receiving or everything about it, you should have ACTUAL experience with that kink. Make sure you understand what the kink is before listing it under your fetishes. Do NOT make up your own definitions, or apply Vanilla meanings to the kinks. If you have CNC (Consensual Non-Consent) as an “into” fetish, for example, but you’ve never tried it you are misleading and can put yourself in a potentially dangerous spot. Most kinks aren’t really dangerous if you mislabeled them, but the ones that are considered edge play are VERY dangerous and even deadly so make sure you label them properly.

A screenshot of some of the kinks I’ve listed on my profile.

IF YOU HAVE NOT PHYSICALLY EXPERIENCED THE KINK, YOU NEED TO LIST IT AS “CURIOUS ABOUT” When talking to someone new, make sure you ask them about their “into” kinks, how much experience with each, the amounts of research and education they have put into the kink. This is all part of the vetting process to see if they are into the same kinks, and experienced enough for you to feel safe. The kinks or activities you will NOT do are listed as your “hard limit”. Those are not to be questioned or forced on you. The soft limits are kinks you are willing to try with more education or an experienced person.

Many options with listing kinks on your profile.

Going through all of the kinks, looking up ones you’ve never heard of, or something you never thought of as a kink will help you grow as a kinky person. You will have a better understanding of your needs and how to communicate the desire for them. If something is a deal breaker, either you can not live without it or it’s a trigger or hard limit for you, list that in your profile.

These are just a few things to do so your Fetlife profile fits you as a kinky person. Make sure you read other member’s profiles to see who they are, what they are into, and what they are looking for BEFORE Sending a mssg. You can tell a lot by a person on fet that has nothing filled out, doesn’t respect your communicational terms, follows a ton of people but very few friends or has joined a lot of groups that are just sex related.

*we are not affiliated with Fetlife in any way. These are my opinions on having a successful experience on Fetlife.

*edit update. PrimalPiggy has a YouTube video up about setting your Fetlife profile up. He takes you step by step with various important areas. This will be a multi-part series. Click the link to go to our BDSM United YouTube channel.

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